Neverisms Read online

  Sixteen years after Slott created “Never let ’em see you sweat” for Gillette’s Dry Idea advertising campaign (discussed in the classic neverisms chapter), he chose the legendary slogan for the title of a book on public speaking. He began every one of the book’s twenty chapters with the word never. Here are ten of them:Never Trust One Rehearsal Never Drown in a Sea of Faces Never Forget Your Crutches Never Believe They’re Out to Get You Never Let Their Agenda Be Your AgendaNever Be PointlessNever Be IgnorableNever Be Too SeriousNever Get Caught LyingNever Run at the Mouth

  Never Let the Bastards Wear You Down DEE SNIDER, title of 2000 album

  Snider achieved fame as the front man for the heavy metal band Twisted Sister. This was his only solo album, consisting entirely of songs written during his time with the group. The title comes from a mock-Latin saying, Illegitimi non carborundum, that emerged during WWII and was said to mean, “Don’t let the bastards grind you down.” The saying is often associated with “Vinegar Joe” Stillwell, an American army general who adopted it as a motto. The saying got national publicity in 1946 when Alabama congressman Frank Boykin sent President Truman an elaborately lettered copy of the saying to be placed on his desk in the Oval Office.

  “Never Turn Your Back on Mother Earth”SPARKS, title of 1974 song (written by Ron Mael)

  “Never Give Up on a Dream”ROD STEWART, title of 1981 song

  Written by Stewart, guitarist Jim Cregan, and lyricist Bernie Taupin, the song was dedicated to Terry Fox, a young Canadian who had lost his right leg to bone cancer in 1977. In 1980, Fox became an international celebrity for his “Marathon of Hope,” an attempt to run from Newfoundland to British Columbia to raise money for the Canadian Cancer Society. After 143 days of running on one healthy and one prosthetic leg, Fox had logged more than 3,000 miles when the cancer metastasized to his lungs and forced him to end his quest. When he died in 1981, Fox was one of Canada’s most admired figures. His memory lives on in the annual “Terry Fox Run,” with people from more than fifty countries participating in the world’s largest single-day cancer fundraiser.

  Never Read a Newspaper at Your Desk RICHARD F. STIEGELE, title of 1994 book

  Never Give Up:

  How I Turned My Biggest Challenges into Success DONALD TRUMP, title of 2008 memoir

  While Never give up is one of history’s most famous sayings, it is also one of publishing history’s most popular book titles. I don’t have a precise count, but I’ve seen it show up as the title or subtitle of over a hundred books, including the memoirs, autobiographies, and biographies of Gloria Estefan, Richard Simmons, Allen Iverson, and Tedy Bruschi (see the sports chapter for more on Bruschi’s book).

  Never Wake a Sleeping Baby KENDRA LYNN WHITING, title of 2007 book

  Whiting chose a time-honored proverbial saying as the title for her self-published advice book for new parents. In the book, she also offered these time-tested tips: “Never discipline in anger” and “Never put a baby to bed with a bottle.”

  fifteen

  Never Judge a Book by Its Movie

  Stage & Screen

  In 1961, a little-known Scottish actor by the name of Sean Connery was chosen to play the role of Special Agent James Bond in a planned film adaptation of Ian Fleming’s 1958 novel Dr. No. Connery was selected after a number of established stars—including Cary Grant and James Mason—turned down the part or were rejected during auditions. Fleming, who initially preferred David Niven for the role, was strongly opposed to the selection of Connery, saying, “He’s not what I envisioned of James Bond.” In Fleming’s mind, his fictional special agent was a debonair and sophisticated Englishman, like Niven, and not at all like the rugged and unrefined Connery. At one point in the auditions, Fleming even disparaged Connery, saying, “I’m looking for Commander Bond and not an overgrown stunt-man.” Director Terence Young, however, thought Connery might bring something special to the role. After much discussion, Connery did finally get the part. It was not because of Young’s urging, though. As the two men were debating what to do, Fleming’s girlfriend told the reluctant writer that she believed Connery would bring a strong sexual charisma to the role.

  When filming began, Connery had trouble getting into the role, once confessing, “The character is not really me, after all.” But he worked hard with Terence Young, and even borrowed many of the English director’s speech patterns and mannerisms. Connery eventually won over Fleming as well. Indeed, the writer was so pleased with Connery’s portrayal of his precious character that, in all subsequent Bond novels, he gave Agent 007 a partially Scottish heritage.

  Soon after its English release in 1962 and its American premiere in 1963, Dr. No established Connery as a major motion picture star. The film, which had been shot with a modest budget of one million dollars, grossed $16 million in the United States and $59 million worldwide. Over the next five years, Connery played Bond in four more films: From Russia with Love (1963), Goldfinger (1964), Thunderball (1965), and You Only Live Twice (1967). The Bond films were becoming a bankable franchise and Connery was on his way to becoming a cinematic icon.

  Despite the success of the films, Connery worried about becoming typecast as Agent 007. To guard against it, he took a number of other parts, including a role in Marnie, the 1964 Alfred Hitchcock thriller. But movie fans the world over had fallen in love with his Bond persona, and he continued to go back to the role. By the end of 1967, though, after doing five Bond films, Connery had grown weary of the part. He announced that You Only Live Twice was his last Bond film.

  After a prolonged search for a replacement, EON Productions named Australian actor and model George Lazenby as the next James Bond. Even though Lazenby was offered a seven-picture deal, he signed a contract for only one film after his agent convinced him that the womanizing Bond would likely become an archaic stereotype in the sexually liberated 1970s. In 1969, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service appeared with Lazenby as Agent 007. The film did well at the box office, but critical reception was divided, and there were many who said it would have been the best of all the Bond films if Connery had been in the lead role.

  Lazenby’s decision to sign a one-picture deal opened the door for Connery, who was lured back to do one more Bond film, Diamonds Are Forever (1971). The forty-year-old actor certainly didn’t need the money, but he was offered such a lucrative deal that he said, “I was really bribed into it.” As with all previous Bond films, it was a commercial success, but this one was panned by many critics (Danny Peary said it was “one of the most forgettable movies of the entire Bond series”). Connery announced, once again, that Diamonds Are Forever would be his last Bond film. This time he really meant it, he assured his future wife, the French painter Micheline Roqueburne. She replied, “Never say never!”

  Over the next twelve years, Connery starred in more than a dozen films, including Murder on the Orient Express (1974), The Man Who Would be King (1975), and Robin and Marian, a lovely 1976 film in which he played an aging Robin Hood who was still in love with the lovely Maid Marian, played by Audrey Hepburn. In the last half of the decade, he gave respectable performances in a number of other films, none of which became great hits.

  In 1983, a dozen years after he said he would never again play Agent 007—and sixteen years after his first pledge to retire from the series—Connery appeared in yet another Bond film. This one was a remake of the 1965 film Thunderball. It is sometimes referred to as an “unofficial” Bond film because it was not produced by EON Productions, who started the franchise. The title of the film was:

  Never Say Never Again

  Never Say Never Again was the first Bond film to have a title that was not written by Ian Fleming. With Kim Basinger playing the sultry Domino Petachi, the love interest to a middle-aged, but still handsome, Connery, the film was a commercial as well as a critical success. Film critic Roger Ebert loved the film, but he especially praised Connery’s performance:Sean Connery says he’ll never make another James Bond movie, and maybe I believe him. But t
he fact that he made this one, so many years later, is one of those small show-business miracles that never happen. There was never a Beatles reunion. Bob Dylan and Joan Baez don’t appear on the same stage anymore. But here, by God, is Sean Connery as Sir James Bond. Good work, 007.

  Near the end of the film, Bond and Domino are lounging in a hot tub when they are interrupted by an emissary from the British Secret Service (played by English actor Rowan Atkinson), who pleads with Agent 007 to stay with the Service. The battle-weary Bond, who now seems ready to settle into retirement, replies, “Never again.” At that moment, Domino walks up to him and says, “Never?” And then, as Bond takes Domino into his arms, the film’s soundtrack kicks in with singers repeating the musical refrain, “Never. Never Say Never Again.” As the film comes to an end, Bond kisses Domino and breaks the time-honored fourth wall of stage and screen by giving a knowing wink to the audience. This final scene contains the only reference to the film’s title, and one could have easily gotten to the end of the movie and wondered, “So what does the title have to do with the movie’s plot?” And then, as the credits roll, we get a hint of an answer:

  Title “Never Say Never Again” by Micheline Connery

  After the film was released, Connery revealed the pledge he made to his wife more than a dozen years earlier—and her response. To honor her, he chose her reply as the title of his very last Bond film.

  While Never Say Never Again is a great title, it’s not the most famous neverism to be used to title a film. That honor goes to the 1941 W. C. Fields cinema classic:

  Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

  In the late 1800s, a number of sayings about taking advantage of “easy marks” originated in gambling circles, and this one went on to become a signature line for W. C. Fields. Fields did not, however, author the line. Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations has long attributed the saying to E. F. Albee, a vaudeville impresario and grandfather of playwright Edward Albee. Ralph Keyes, in The Quote Verifier, says that Wilson Mizner is the probable author, most likely picking it up during his years as a gambler in California and Alaska. Fields, who was a pal of Mizner’s, first ad-libbed the line in his 1923 play Poppy, and he formally incorporated the saying in a 1936 film by the same title.

  When Fields used the saying to title his 1941 film, the line became indelibly associated with him (although trivia fans love to point out that the line is never actually uttered in the film). More than three decades later, the saying was still so well known that Mel Brooks offered a slightly altered version as the tagline for his 1974 film Blazing Saddles: “Never Give a Saga an Even Break.”

  The most fascinating neverisms, however, don’t occur in the titles of films or plays, but in the dialogue that is contained within them. Some lines that have achieved a legendary status in the theatrical world were first heard on the live stage:

  Never fight fair with a stranger, boy.

  You’ll never get out of the jungle that way.ARTHUR MILLER, from the character Ben

  in Death of a Salesman (1949)

  And almost all diehard cinema fans will remember this famous line:

  Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.

  This quotation comes from The Godfather, Part III (screenplay by Francis Ford Coppola and Mario Puzo). In the film, the aging Don Corleone (Al Pacino) offers this nugget of hard-won wisdom to nephew Vincent Mancini (Andy Garcia), just after the young man heatedly talks about killing Joey Zasa, an enemy of the family. In offering his advice, Corleone is playing a kind of mentoring role to Mancini, his planned successor. A little later, the hotheaded nephew once again displays his impulsive nature when he exclaims, “I say we hit back and take Zasa out!” Don Corleone, once again dispenses more godfatherly advice:

  Never let anyone know what you’re thinking.

  While many neverisms have come from memorable stage and screen performances, others have come from actors dispensing key acting advice or passing along important lessons they’ve learned in their careers:

  Never confuse the size of your paycheck with the size of your talent.MARLON BRANDO

  Never take top billing. You’ll last longer that way.BING CROSBY

  Never get caught acting.LILLIAN GISH

  Never treat your audience as customers.

  Always treat them as partners.JAMES STEWART

  In the remainder of the chapter, we’ll continue our look at neverisms from the world of stage and screen. You’ll see more quotations from actors and actresses reflecting on their craft and their careers. You’ll find many more quotations from Hollywood films, and occasionally some from the small screen known as television. The cinematic world has produced many truly memorable lines, and some of the best have been neveristically phrased. When recalling great lines from actors, though, it is helpful to remember that those lines were actually written by someone else. So, in the pages to follow, I will try to identify the screenwriters as well as the actors who spoke their lines.

  Never turn your back on an actor;

  remember, it was an actor who shot Lincoln.ANONYMOUS

  Never confuse the improbable with the impossible: “Burke’s Law.”GENE BARRY, as Captain Amos Burke, in a

  1963 episode of the TV series Burke’s Law

  In this popular 1960s television series, Gene Barry played a dapper Los Angeles millionaire who had been named chief of detectives for the L.A. Police Department. As he fought crime from his chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud, Burke was famous for dispensing proverbial sayings to his young detectives, always ending them in his trademark manner: “Burke’s Law.” The series also included these neverisms:

  Never walk away from a long shot.

  Never call your captain unless it’s murder.

  Never drink martinis with beautiful suspects.

  Never give your girl and dog the same kind of jewelry.

  Never resist an impulse, Sabrina. Especially if it’s terrible.HUMPHREY BOGART, to Audrey Hepburn,

  in the 1954 Billy Wilder classic Sabrina

  (screenplay by Wilder & Samuel A. Taylor)

  This is the reply that business executive Linus Larrabee (Bogart) makes to the beautiful Sabrina Fairchild (Hepburn), after she waltzes into his office and announces, “All night long I’ve had the most terrible impulse to do something.”

  Never settle back on your heels. Never relax.

  If you relax, the audience relaxes.JAMES CAGNEY, advice to actors

  Never let yourself get between you and your character.MICHAEL CAINE, in What’s It All About? (1992)

  In this memoir, Caine said he became an actor in part because of advice he got from his father: “Never do a job where you can be replaced by a machine.”

  Never meddle with play-actors, for they’re a favored race.MIGUEL DE CERVANTES, from Don Quixote (1605)

  We tend to think that the worship of actors—and the somewhat exalted status they hold in society—is a modern phenomenon, but this suggests it is a longstanding tradition.

  Never look as if you are lost.

  Always look as if you know exactly where you are going.JOAN COLLINS

  Collins added, “If you don’t know where you are going, head straight for the bar.”

  Rule number one: never carry a gun.

  If you carry a gun you may be tempted to use it.

  Rule number two: never trust a naked woman.SEAN CONNERY, in the 1999 film Entrapment

  (screenplay by Ron Bass & William Broyles)

  In the film, Connery plays the role of Robert “Mac” MacDougal, an aging international art thief. In this scene, he explains “The Rules” to his unlikely partner, a sexy insurance investigator (Catherine Zeta-Jones) who needs his help in the investigation of an art heist.

  Never stop fighting till the fight is done.KEVIN COSTNER, as G-man Eliot Ness,

  in the 1987 film The Untouchables

  (screenplay by David Mamet)

  This was a tagline for the movie. It came at the very end of the film, just after Capone has been
convicted. Ness, surrounded by reporters, says, “Never stop, never stop fighting till the fight is done.” Capone, who can barely hear Ness amidst the pandemonium, says, “What’d he say? Whadda you saying?” After Ness replies, “I said never stop fighting till the fight is done,” he adds, “It’s over.”

  Never let it be said that your anal-retentive

  attention to detail never yielded positive results.MATT DAMON, to Ben Affleck, in the 1999 film Dogma

  (screenplay by Kevin Smith)

  This line is one of the highlights of a quirky black comedy in which Damon (as Loki) and Affleck (as Bartleby) play two renegade angels who, because of Bartleby’s attention to detail, discover a loophole that may get them readmitted to heaven.

  Remember, you are a star.

  Never go across the alley, even to dump garbage,

  unless you are dressed to the teeth.CECIL B. DEMILLE, his stock advice to film stars

  Never judge a book by its movie.J. W. EAGAN

  This alteration of Never judge a book by its cover has been around for decades, but I’ve never been able to learn anything about the mysterious Mr. Eagan. The quotation describes a popular view: movies rarely do justice to the books on which they are based.

  Never lose your openness,

  your childish enthusiasm throughout the journey that is life,