Neverisms Read online

  From the very beginning of the film industry in America, movies have also been given neveristic titles, many borrowed from popular catchphrases:

  Never Send a Man to Match a Ribbon title of a 1910 silent film

  Never Say Die title of 1938 Bob Hope & Martha Raye film

  Never Put It in Writing title of 1964 Pat Boone film

  Never on Sunday title of 1960 film starring Melina Mercouri

  Never Give an Inch title of 1977 film starring Paul Newman,

  the first film to be broadcast on HBO

  Never Talk to Strangers title of 1995 film starring

  Rebecca De Mornay & Antonio Banderas

  Song titles beginning with the word never have also been popular over the years, including a Sophie Tucker classic about philandering husbands:

  “Never Let the Same Dog Bite You Twice”

  This is the title as well as a recurring lyric in one of Tucker’s most famous songs, originally sung in the 1920s and preserved on her Golden Jubilee Album (2005). The song was written by the legendary Sammy Fain, who took a popular American proverb and applied it to cheating men. Here are the most famous lyrics from the song:Never let the same dog bite you twiceDon’t let no man two-time youNever pet or play with a dog that bit you once

  And a man who will cheat will always repeat

  The song contains one other set of intriguing lyrics. And while it is not a neverism, I think you’ll enjoy it:You put a muzzle on a dogBecause the law says you shouldBut you can’t put a muzzle on a manWhere it’ll do much good

  Over the centuries, many thousands of books, songs, and movies have been given titles beginning with the word never. A few can be found elsewhere in the book, but in the rest of this chapter, you’ll be looking exclusively at neveristic titles, and occasionally at the stories behind them.

  Never Learn to Type:

  A Woman at the United Nations MARGARET ANSTEE, title of 2003 book

  When Anstee stepped down from her post as United Nations Under-Secretary General in 1992, she was the highest-ranking woman in UN history. As a teenager, Anstee realized that the possession of typing skills would only increase her chances of being relegated to the steno pool. Of the book’s title, she said: “The title that now adorns this book is a dictum that I invented for myself and have also stuck to throughout my career.”

  Never Stand Between a Cowboy and His Spittoon LEO W. BANKS, title of 2001 book

  Never Eat Anything That Moves!

  Good, Bad, and Very Silly Advice from Kids ROBERT BENDER, title of 2002 book

  Bender asked elementary school teachers to submit the most memorable advice their students had for their peers. The contributions ranged from the sobering (“When your parents fight, don’t blame it on yourself”) to the silly (“Don’t lick the beaters when they’re on”). There were also a number of delightful neverisms:

  Never try to dress your cat.

  Never smell your dad’s feet.

  Never imitate an angry teacher.

  Never milk a cow without an udder.

  Never go swimming at Reptile Land.

  Never eat a magnet when you have braces.

  Never stand behind a cow when its tail is up.

  Never hide your food under the kitchen chair cover.

  Never eat chicken at a fancy party. It might be squid.

  Never swallow a firefly, or you might get electrocuted.

  Never live in one house with one bathroom and three sisters.

  “Never Give Up on a Good Thing”GEORGE BENSON, title of 1982 song

  “Never Seek to Tell Thy Love”WILLIAM BLAKE, title of 1793 poem

  There are several versions of Blake’s poem, the result of his tinkering over the years. The basic notion behind all of them is the same, however. Blake passionately pleads his love to a woman who doesn’t respond. The heartbroken poet then sees the woman fall for a complete stranger. What really stings, though, is that the stranger wins the woman’s heart by doing almost nothing (in Blake’s words, “He took her with a sigh”). As Blake reflects on what has happened, he concludes that a lover should “Never seek to tell thy love.” It’s a completely unwarranted conclusion, of course, and Blake might never have arrived at it if he had a frank friend who, to borrow a modern expression, said, “William, she was just not that into you.” Here are the final two stanzas of the original verse, including that final dramatic line:I told my love, I told my love,I told her all my heart,Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears—Ah! she doth depart.Soon as she was gone from me,A traveller came by,Silently, invisibly:He took her with a sigh.

  Never Ask Delilah for a Trim: And Other Good Advice MARTHA BOLTON, title of 1998 book

  Bolton’s title is an allusion to the biblical Delilah, a temptress who uses her wiles to discover that the secret of Samson’s strength is his hair, and then betrays him to his enemies.

  Never Turn Your Back on a Friend BUDGIE, title of 1973 album

  “Never Love Unless You Can”THOMAS CAMPION, title of 1617 poem

  Campion is best remembered for Observations on the Art of English Poesie, a 1602 book in which he urged poets to discontinue the “vulgar and unartificial custom of rhyming.” Happily for lovers of verse, his recommendation never took hold. “Never Love Unless You Can” is not a remarkable piece of verse, but it has a spectacular opening couplet:Never love unless you canBear with all the faults of man.

  Never Lie to a Lady LIZ CARLYLE, title of 2007 novel

  Carlyle has written sixteen historical romance novels, including a number of New York Times bestsellers. This was the first novel in “The Neville Family Trilogy.” The other two were titled Never Deceive a Duke (2007) and Never Romance a Rake (2008).

  Never Learn to Milk a Cow:

  A Psychologist Writes to His Teenage Children CARLOS W. DAVIS JR., title of 2009 book

  Davis explained the origin of the title in a lovely story that fits into a classic neveristic theme: Never do for others what they can do for themselves. Here are his exact words:When my mother was about to marry my dad, she asked my dad’s mother . . . if she had any advice. My grandmother Ionie explained that after she had learned to milk a cow for her husband, her husband quit milking the cow. She gently leaned over to my mother and whispered: “Never learn to milk a cow.”

  Never Cry Werewolf HEATHER DAVIS, title of 2009 novel

  If there were an award for “Vampire Novel with the Best Title,” this would be a clear favorite for the way it tweaks the saying never cry wolf, described earlier. Tamara Summer’s debut vampire novel in 2009 was also cleverly titled: Never Bite a Boy on the First Date. Summer, however, borrowed her title from a 2003 episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, an American TV series that aired from 1997 to 2003.

  Never Be Late Again:

  7 Cures for the Punctually Challenged DIANA DELONZOR, title of 2003 book

  Never Say Hi Jack! in an Airport:

  And 101 Other Life-Saving Travel Tips TERRY DENTON, title of 1997 travel book

  Never Try to Teach a Pig to Sing:

  Still More Urban Folklore from the Paperwork Empire ALAN DUNDES & CARL R. PAGTER, title of 1991 book

  In 1996, Donald Walker used the same title for a quotation anthology, subtitled Wit and Wisdom for Leaders. The titles can be traced to a line from Robert A. Heinlein’s 1973 sci-fi classic Time Enough for Love. In 2002, Mark McCormack came out with Never Wrestle with a Pig: and Ninety Other Ideas to Build Your Business and Career. All of the pig admonitions were discussed in the classic neverisms chapter.

  Never Eat Alone:

  And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time KEITH FERRAZZI, title of 2005 book (with Tahl Raz)

  Never Say Diet:

  How to Live Older and Look Longer COREY FORD, title of 1954 book

  Ford’s book was the first to play off the words of the familiar saying never say die. In 1980, Richard Simmons picked up on the idea with his Never-Say-Diet Book. And in 2007, personal fitness trainer Chantel Hobbs—who lost over 200 pounds—titled
her book Never Say Diet: Make Five Decisions and Break the Fat Habit for Good.

  Never Despair MARTIN GILBERT, title of 1988 biography of Winston Churchill

  Gilbert, Churchill’s official biographer, chose this as the title of the eighth and final volume in his exhaustive biography of the legendary English statesman. The title was inspired by Churchill’s last speech to the House of Commons on March 1, 1955. These were his concluding words:

  The day may dawn when fair play, love for one’s fellow men,

  respect for justice and freedom, will enable tormented generations to

  march forth triumphant from the hideous epoch in which we have to dwell.

  Meanwhile, never flinch, never weary, never despair.

  Never Again:

  A History of the Holocaust MARTIN GILBERT, title of 2000 book

  When Gilbert chose the title of his book, the phrase never again had been associated for more than fifty years with the Jewish people’s determination to never let such a horror be repeated. Given the reverence with which we now view the saying, it came as a bit of a surprise to discover that Never Again was first used as the title of a 1916 silent film comedy starring a young Oliver Hardy, years before his partnership with Stan Laurel. The phrase has also been used to title dozens of other books, including these:

  Never Again: A Program for Survival (1971)RABBI MEIR KAHANE

  Never Again? The Threat of the New Anti-Semitism (2003)ABRAHAM FOXMAN

  Never Again: Securing America and Restoring Justice (2006)JOHN D. ASHCROFT

  Never Make Love in a Suit of Armor MICHAEL GREEN, title of 1983 book

  Never Sleep with a Fat Man in July MODINE GUNCH, title of 1993 book

  Modine Gunch—often described as part Erma Bombeck, part Lewis Grizzard—is the creation of Liz Scott Monaghan, a New Orleans writer. A “Modine Gunch” column has been appearing monthly in New Orleans magazine for over twenty years. A 1990 Gunch book was also cleverly titled: Never Heave Your Bosom in a Front Hook Bra. Monaghan tells me that she is working on her next Modine book, and it may have her best title yet: Never Clean Your House During Hurricane Season. I don’t think she will mind if I give you a preview of the book’s opening line: “If I had known my house was going to be demolished, I wouldn’t have spent all day cleaning it.”

  Never Eat More Than You Can Lift:

  And Other Food Quotes and Quips SHARON TYLER HERBST, title of 1997 book,

  playing off a famous Miss Piggy line

  Never Kiss and Tell TRACIE HOWARD, title of 2004 book

  Never Scratch a Tiger with a Short Stick:

  And Other Quotes for Leaders GORDON S. JACKSON, title of 2003 book

  Never Work Harder Than Your Students:

  And Other Principles of Great Teaching ROBYN RENEE JACKSON, title of 2009 book

  Never Work for a Jerk PATRICIA KING, title of 1987 book

  Never Pay Retail:

  How to Save 20 Percent to 80 Percent on Everything You Buy SID KIRCHHEIMER, title of 1996 book

  The goal of buying things at less than retail prices is deeply embedded in American culture. In 2010, Daisy Lewellyn wrote a book with a similar title: Never Pay Retail Again: Shop Smart, Spend Less, and Look Your Best Ever.

  Never Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head

  & Other Drawings B. KLIBAN, title of 1976 book

  Never Suck a Dead Man’s Hand:

  Curious Adventures of a CSI DANA KOLLMANN, title of 2007 book

  Kollmann, a crime scene investigator with the Baltimore Police Department for more than ten years, got the title for her book from a mishap that occurred one bitterly cold night when she attempted to lift the fingerprints of a man who had died in a traffic accident. After normal fingerprinting methods failed to work, she carefully put each one of the dead man’s fingers inside her mouth to rehumidify it with her breath, making sure not to make any contact. After she successfully employed the technique with seven fingers, her hand slipped on the eighth attempt, and the man’s ring finger lodged in her mouth like a fish hook. It lasted for only a few seconds, but it grossed out Kollmann—and thoroughly entertained the many male cops who were present at the scene.

  Never Trust a Pretty Face AMANDA LEAR, title of 1979 album

  Never Be Lied To Again:

  How to Get the Truth in 5 Minutes or Less

  in Any Conversation or Situation DAVID J. LIEBERMAN, title of 1999 book

  And Never Stop Dancing:

  Thirty More True Things You Need to Know Now GORDON LIVINGSTON, title of 2006 book

  This was a sequel to Dr. Livingston’s 2004 bestseller Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart. In the sequel, he also advised: “Never mind dying with dignity; try living with dignity.”

  Never Blink in a Hailstorm and Other Lessons on Leadership DAVID L. MCKENNA, title of 2005 book

  Never Sniff a Gift Fish PATRICK F. MCMANUS, title of 1983 book

  The title emerged when McManus and some friends were musing on the paucity of great hunting and fishing quotations. It’s similar to Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

  Never Ask a Man the Size of His Spread:

  A Cowgirl’s Guide to Life GLADIOLA MONTANA, title of 1993 book

  This illustrated gift book, published around the time “cowboy wisdom” books were enjoying great popularity, contained these additional cowgirl rules:

  Never venture onto thin ice with a fancy skater.

  Never—under any circumstances—admit that you like to cook.

  Never let yourself be drawn into a game

  where you do not know the rules—ALL the rules.

  Never Check E-Mail in the Morning:

  And Other Unexpected Strategies for Making Your Work Life Work JULIE MORGENSTERN, title of 2005 book

  For almost twenty years, the first thing I’ve done every morning is check my e-mail, so I was tantalized by the title of Morgenstern’s book. When she recommended that people “break the e-mail habit” by spending the first hour of each day on high-level strategic thinking and other high-priority tasks, I clearly understood her reasoning. And I agree that it is a wonderful idea. But I still check my e-mail the first thing every morning.

  Never Let a Skinny Guy Make Sandwiches GENE MUELLER & BOB DENYER, title of 1993 book

  Never Bite When a Growl Will Do MICHAEL NASTASI, title of 2006 book

  Never Shower in a Thunderstorm:

  Surprising Facts and Misleading Myths

  About Our Health and the World We Live In ANAHAD O’CONNOR, title of 2007 book

  Never Trust a Calm Dog: And Other Rules of Thumb TOM PARKER, title of 1991 book

  Never Look Back RIDLEY PEARSON, title of 1985 book

  Over the years, nearly fifty books have been given the title Never Look Back. In Ridley’s novel—his first book—the saying was described as “The Cardinal Rule of Espionage.”

  “Never Try to Trick Me with a Kiss”SYLVIA PLATH, title of 1946 poem

  Never Love a Stranger HAROLD ROBBINS, title of 1948 book

  Harold Robbins became a teenage millionaire during the Great Depression by buying food directly from struggling farmers and selling it to wholesalers and food canning companies. He then squandered it all after speculating wildly on sugar futures. In his early twenties, he moved to California, got a job as a shipping clerk at Universal Pictures, and ultimately worked his way up to a job in the bookkeeping department. One day, after a Universal VP overheard Robbins make a disparaging remark about a novel that had been made into a film, the studio exec said, “If you can write a better novel, do it.” Robbins took the challenge by writing Never Love a Stranger, a sexually graphic tale about New York City’s underworld that was considered shocking at the time (ads for the novel proudly proclaimed, “Banned in Philadelphia”). Over the next twenty-five years, Robbins became wildly successful, writing more than twenty novels that sold more that 250 million copies. While The Carpetbaggers (1961) was his best-known book, Robbins often said that Never Love a Stranger was his favorite. The book was adapted into
a 1958 film by the same title.

  Never Trust a Sister over Twelve STEPHEN ROOS, title of 1993 book aimed at fourth-graders

  Never Throw Stones at Your Mother: Irish Insults and Curses DAVID ROSS, title of 2001 book

  Never Be a Victim:

  The Practice of Psychological Self-Defense EDWARD N. ROSS, title of 1996 book

  Never Throw Out a Banana Again:

  And 364 Other Ways to Save Money at Home Without Knocking Yourself Out DARCIE SANDERS, title of 1995 book

  Never Let ’em See You Sweat: A Tranquilizer for Presenters PHIL SLOTT, title of 2000 book