Neverisms Page 3

  In the early years of the marriage, Bombeck and husband Bill tried to have children, but without success. In 1953, after a family physician told them that a pregnancy was highly unlikely, the couple adopted a baby girl. Bombeck did what most women of the era were doing: she quit her job and embarked on a new career as a full-time mom. Two years later, the woman who was not supposed to be able to conceive gave birth to a son, and three years after that, another son was born. From 1953 to 1964, she never worked outside of her home. But she never lost her desire to write. Almost every night, after the children were put to bed, she could be found in her bedroom, hunched over a makeshift writing desk crafted out of a wooden plank placed on top of cinder blocks.

  In 1964, Bombeck began writing a weekly humor column titled “At Wit’s End” for a suburban newspaper just outside of Dayton. She was paid only three dollars per column, but it was a way to dip her toe back into the journalistic waters. When her old bosses at the Dayton Journal Herald learned of her new writing efforts, they offered her $50 a week for two columns. Bombeck, who would have written the columns without remuneration, was elated. But she wasn’t prepared for what was about to happen. Three weeks after her first Journal Herald column, the paper arranged a syndication deal that placed the column in thirty-six major U.S. newspapers. Almost overnight, the little-known Dayton woman became a national celebrity, as millions of American women savored her wry and witty reflections on being a wife, mother, and homemaker. By 1966, she was receiving an honorarium of $15,000 for a single lecture.

  Over the next three decades, until her premature death in 1996 at age sixty-nine (from complications after a kidney transplant), Bombeck became the most popular female humorist in America. She wrote over 4,000 columns that, at the height of her popularity, were syndicated in over 900 newspapers worldwide, capturing an estimated readership of over thirty million people. Beginning with At Wit’s End in 1967, collections of her columns were published in numerous bestselling books.

  Bombeck had a gift for hilarious one-liners—especially ones that presented life lessons or rules to live by. Sometimes, like Dave Barry, she offered what appeared to be a serious warning, and then gave it a twist:

  Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage.

  Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.

  Never go to a class reunion pregnant.

  They will think that’s all you have been doing since you graduated.

  At other times, she offered straight-out witty neverisms:

  Never accept a drink from a urologist.

  Never order food in excess of your body weight.

  Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

  Never have more children than you have car windows.

  Never loan your car to someone to whom you have given birth.

  Another American writer with a fondness for neverisms is P. J. O’Rourke. Raised in a conservative Republican family in Ohio, O’Rourke caused his parents more than a little angst when he became a hippie while at Miami University (Ohio) in the late 1960s. He carried his left-leaning political orientation with him to Johns Hopkins University, where he earned his M.A. in English. In the 1970s, he honed his skills as a writer and satirist at the National Lampoon, where he served in a number of roles, including managing editor. As the 1970s ended and O’Rourke approached his thirties, he experienced a profound transformation of his political orientation, ultimately adopting a libertarian philosophy and, to the horror of his old friends, even becoming a Republican.

  O’Rourke embarked on a freelance writing career in 1981, producing articles for such magazines as Playboy, Harper’s, and Vanity Fair. He also began to work on books of humor, beginning with Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People (1983). A spoof of etiquette guides, Modern Manners is a tour de force of neverisms. Of several dozen that appeared in the book, here are my favorites:

  Never fight an inanimate object.

  Never stab anyone with a gravy ladle.

  Never wear anything that panics the cat.

  Never hit anyone below the belt,

  particularly a black one earned in karate.

  Never hit anyone from behind

  (people should be kicked from behind).

  Never strike anyone so old, small,

  or weak that verbal abuse would have sufficed.

  Never steal anything so small that you’ll have to go to an

  unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum security federal tennis prison.

  In the fashion of Dave Barry and Erma Bombeck, O’Rourke also began many of his cautionary warnings in what appeared to be a serious way:

  A word of warning to the young:

  never have a food fight with school-dining-hall food.

  And then he finished it off with a dash of wit:It’s too dangerous. Once, a few years ago, at Phillips Exeter Academy, a student was hit in the face with a piece of dining-hall meatloaf. Some of it got in his mouth, and he died.

  After the publication of Modern Manners in 1983, O’Rourke went on to an extraordinarily successful career as an author, writing fourteen additional books, two of which reached #1 on the New York Times bestseller list: Parliament of Whores (1992) and Give War a Chance (1996). You’ll find more neverisms from O’Rourke later in the book.

  So far, we’ve featured contributions from extremely well-known humorists. But it is also possible for everyday people to demonstrate exceptional skill in the creation of clever or witty warnings. Last year, I invited subscribers to my weekly e-newsletter to participate in a neverisms-writing contest. The hands-down winner was a software developer and technologist from San Leandro, California—and a man who just happens to share a name with a famous American science personality. I think you will enjoy his winning submission:

  Never make an obtuse observation about a triangle.

  It just isn’t right.BILL (“NOT THE SCIENCE GUY”) NYE

  Humorists have long played a valuable role in our lives, giving us a lift when we’re feeling down and providing helpful little slaps on the head when we begin to take our lives too seriously. In the remainder of the chapter, you will see many more examples of how wits and wags have approached the serious topic of admonitions and, in their own special way, helped us see the lighter side of strongly worded cautionary warnings.

  Never eat in a restaurant where

  there’s a photo of the chef with Sammy Davis, Jr.ALF (Paul Fusco)

  This was almost certainly inspired by Nelson Algren’s “Never eat at a place called Mom’s,” which was discussed in the Introduction. Alf (from the term Alien Life Form) was a 1980s television sitcom about a wisecracking extraterrestrial whose spaceship crashed into the garage of an American family. Created by Paul Fusco, an American puppeteer, the show ran on NBC from 1986 to 1990. Algren’s famous neverism may also have inspired these other spin-offs:

  Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche.LEWIS GRIZZARD

  Never eat Chinese food in Oklahoma.BRYAN MILLER, New York Times

  restaurant critic and food writer

  Never eat at a restaurant with a Help Wanted sign in the window.CYNTHIA NELMS

  There is one exception to the rule, “Never eat at a restaurant called Mom’s.”

  If you’re in a small town,

  and the only other place is called Eats—then go to Mom’s.CARL WAXMAN

  Never comment on a woman’s rear end.

  Never use the words “large” or “size” with “rear end.” Never.TIM ALLEN, who concluded his advice by saying,

  “Avoid the whole area altogether. Trust me.”

  Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.ANONYMOUS

  The authors of some of the best neverisms may never be known, but their contributions can be found everywhere: websites, blogs, bumper stickers, e-mail attachments, and occasionally even on T-shirts. You’ll find more examples in later chapters, but here are a few of my favorites from the world of wit and wordplay:

  Never say “bite
me” to a vampire.

  Never buy a pit bull from a one-armed man.

  Never give yourself a haircut after five cups of coffee.

  Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money.

  Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

  Never drink and derive; alcohol and calculus don’t mix.

  Never inhale through your nose when eating a powdered doughnut.

  Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with something bigger and heavier.

  Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

  (often called “Murphy’s Special Law of Combat”)

  Never criticize a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes.

  That way, if he doesn’t like what you have to say, it’ll be okay

  because you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have his shoes.

  Never have a dog.

  Let’s not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.DAVE BARRY, in Homes and Other Black Holes (1988)

  Barry went on to write: “We have always had dogs, and they have faithfully performed many valuable services for us, such as: 1. Peeing on everything. 2. When we’re driving in our car, alerting us that we have passed another dog by barking real loud in our ears for the next 114 miles. 3. Trying to kill the Avon lady.”

  Never moon a werewolf.MIKE BINDER

  Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing

  a hat that has more than three pastel colors.GEORGE CARLIN,

  in Brain Droppings (1997)

  Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.JOHNNY CARSON

  Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.JOHNNY CARSON

  Never make a decision when you’re feeling guilty.STEPHEN COLBERT, in his 2007 bestseller

  I Am America (And So Can You)

  The words come from Colbert’s same-named comedic caricature, a parody of pompous and self-important conservative television pundits. He went on to add: “The bleeding hearts that came up with affirmative action back in the 1960s could have used my advice. They felt bad about the racial injustices of the past, so they decided to make it a crazy law that gave minorities preferential treatment when it comes to the choicest jobs, scholarships, and roster spots on NBA teams.”

  Never hire a cleaning lady named Dusty.DAVID CORRADO

  Never keep up with the Joneses.

  Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper.

  QUENTIN CRISP, from his memoir

  The Naked Civil Sevant (1968)

  For more than thirty years, Crisp was one of England’s great raconteurs and wits. He was also one of the most flamboyant members of London’s gay community, once tweaking a famous Virginia Woolf line to observe, “I am one of the stately homos of England.” He moved to New York City in 1981 and quickly captured the hearts of New Yorkers (Sting’s 1988 song “Englishman in New York” was inspired by him). He also wrote:

  Never sweep. After four years the dirt gets no worse.

  Never get into a narrow double bed with a wide single man.

  Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information.

  BOB ELLIOTT, from a “Bob and Ray”

  sketch with Ray Goulding

  Never be afraid to laugh at yourself;

  after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

  DAME EDNA EVERAGE (BARRY HUMPHRIES)

  Among Real Men, there has always been one simple rule:

  Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flamethrower.

  BRUCE FEIRSTEIN

  This appeared in Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche, a 1982 satire that sold over a million and a half copies and was on the New York Times bestseller list for fifty-three weeks.

  Never perish a good thought.MALCOLM FORBES, playing off the saying “Perish the thought”

  Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time.NORMAN FORD

  Never ask of money spentWhere the spender thinks it went.Nobody was ever meantTo remember or inventWhat he did with every cent.ROBERT FROST, in “The Hardship

  of Accounting” (1936)

  One doesn’t typically think of Frost’s poetry as witty and whimsical, but if someone ever exclaims, “Where has all the money gone?” you could do a lot worse than quoting this little verse in your defense. The poem first appeared in his 1936 book A Further Range. Another famous poet with a sense of humor was T. S. Eliot. He once said:

  Never commit yourself to a cheese without having first examined it.

  Never eat anything that comes when you call.BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT

  Never read by candlelight anything smaller than the ace of clubs.SIR HENRY HALFORD

  Never take an old guy to a place like Hooters.CATHY HAMILTON, in Over-the-Hillisms:

  What They Say & What They Really Mean (2004)

  Hamilton explained: “After one beer, old guys tend to ignore their inner censors and actually verbalize out loud the thoughts going through their heads.” So, what exactly is an old guy likely to say? According to Hamilton, things like “Va-va-va-voom!”

  Never start a project until you’ve picked out someone to blame.

  JOHNNY HART & BRENT PARKER,

  a caption from The Wizard of Id comic strip

  Humorists are famous for taking serious advice—like never blame someone else for a mistake—and turning it on its head. Yes, feel free to blame people, this one suggests—but make sure you identify a scapegoat before you actually start working on a project.

  Never try to outstubborn a cat.

  ROBERT A. HEINLEIN, in Time Enough for Love (1973)

  Never get married while you’re going to college;

  it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer

  finds you’ve already made one mistake.

  FRANK MCKINNEY “KIN” HUBBARD

  Never go to restaurants named after days of the week.

  ALAN KING

  King added: “If I have to say to someone, ‘Should we meet Tuesday at Friday’s? Or should it be Friday at Tuesday’s?’ I feel like I’m part of an Abbott and Costello routine.”

  Never look on the bright side; the glare is blinding.

  FLORENCE KING

  Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet

  without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

  FRAN LEBOWITZ

  Never brag about your ancestors coming over on the Mayflower;

  the immigration laws weren’t so strict in those days.

  LEW LEHR

  Never buy expensive thong underwear.

  One trip through the dryer and it’s a frilly bookmark.CAROL LEIFER, in When You Lie About

  Your Age, the Terrorists Win (2009)

  This comes from a section titled “40 Things I Know at 50 (Because 50 is the New 40).” Leifer also learned some other interesting things over the years:

  Never eat at a restaurant that charges for bread.

  Never eat pistachio nuts after getting a French manicure.

  Never wear high heels to an event

  if you’re going to be outside on a lawn.

  Never take your shoes off on a plane.

  Please find other ways to show your “relaxed side.”

  Never buy Sweet’N low, Equal, or Splenda at the supermarket.

  That’s what restaurants are for.

  Never eat anything whose listed ingredients

  cover more than one-third of the package.JOSEPH LEONARD, from a 1986 Herb Caen

  column in the San Francisco Chronicle

  Never darken my Dior again!BEATRICE LILLIE, to a waiter who spilled soup on her dress,

  in her 1972 autobiography Every Other Inch a Lady

  Lillie was a popular stage and screen actress on both sides of the Atlantic in the first half of the twentieth century. Here she cleverly alters never darken my door again, a centuries-old English saying that means to show up unwanted at a place one has been thrown out of. In nineteenth-century theater, the phrase would typical
ly be delivered by an angry parent expelling an intransigent child from the family home (the darken portion of the saying refers to a person’s shadow appearing on the threshold). Nigel Rees dates the saying to at least 1692 in England. It soon became common enough in colonial America that Ben Franklin used it in The Busybody, a 1729 series of essays. By the twentieth century, the expression would never be used seriously, and in the 1933 film Duck Soup, Groucho Marx put it this way: “Go, and never darken my towels again!”

  Never call an accountant a credit to his profession;

  a good accountant is a debit to his profession.CHARLES J. C. LYALL

  Never subscribe to anything that smells better than it reads.DOUG MARLETTE

  I found this a number of years ago in a Kudzu cartoon. It appeared around the time that magazines first began inserting scratch ’n sniff ads for perfumes and fragrances.

  I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs.

  And it was good. Go ahead and laugh.

  I think the most important thing I learned was:

  Never let go of the girl’s leg, no matter how hard she tries to shake you off.STEVE MARTIN

  Never eat more than you can lift.MISS PIGGY (Jim Henson)

  Miss Piggy (formally named Miss Pigathius “Piggy” Lee) was originally viewed by creator Jim Henson as a minor supporting character when he began The Muppet Show in 1975. She eventually became one of the show’s most popular figures and a cultural icon, famous for a diva personality that swung wildly from saccharinely charming when she wanted something to violent rages when her desires were frustrated. She also occasionally tossed out hilarious one-liners, as in the previous dieting tip. She also offered this advice about buying cosmetics: “Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store.”