Neverisms Page 26

and things will come your way.FEDERICO FELLINI, advice to actors

  Never work with animals or children.W. C. FIELDS

  This became a signature line for Fields, even though he was not the author (it was a show-business maxim he learned early in his career). The saying has been repeated countless times, and even spawned a great insult. In 1985, Gabriel Byrne appeared in his first starring role in Defense of the Realm, a fast-paced political thriller costarring Greta Scacchi and the English actor Denholm Elliott. Byrne, who found Elliott to be extremely difficult to work with, quipped in a post-film interview: “I amended the actor’s cliché to: ‘Never work with children, animals, or Denholm Elliott.’”

  Take your work seriously, but never yourself.MARGOT FONTEYN, advice to stage performers

  Never tell me the odds.HARRISON FORD, in The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

  (screenplay by Leigh Bracket & Lawrence Kasdan)

  Ford, in the role of Han Solo, says this to C-3PO, who has just informed him: “Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.” The line comes from the fifth episode in George Lucas’s Star Wars series.

  Never let pride be your guiding principle.MORGAN FREEMAN, in a 1991 Essence magazine profile

  Never give up; and never, under any circumstances,

  no matter what—never face the facts.RUTH GORDON

  In general, ignoring the facts is a questionable strategy, but there are some occupations—such as acting—where the competition is so stiff and success so unlikely that a certain amount of denial might actually be helpful. Marlo Thomas once said similarly: “Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”

  Never say never.

  Say never about something and life will spit it right back at you.MELANIE GRIFFITH, as Dora DuFran, in the

  1995 CBS made-for-TV movie Buffalo Girls

  (teleplay by Cynthia Whitcomb)

  Whitcomb based her script on Larry McMurtry’s 1990 novel Buffalo Girls, streamlining—and I think, improving—some of his words in the process. In the book, the passage goes this way: “Well, you shouldn’t say you’ll never do something,” Dora told her. “Say it and life will spit it back at you.”

  Never joke about a woman’s hair, clothes, or menstrual cycle.JOHN HANNAH, to Gwyneth Paltrow,

  in the 1998 film Sliding Doors

  (screenplay by Peter Howitt)

  Early in the film, the character James Hammerton (John Hannah) notices that Helen Quilley (Paltrow) is sporting a new haircut. After he says, “Haircut suits you, by the way,” Helen demurs. To prove his compliment was genuine, he says, “No, it does, it does. No gag.” He then adds the never joke line to bolster his claim of sincerity.

  When I left home, my father gave me some very sound advice.

  Never trust a man who can’t look you in the eye.

  Never talk when you can listen.

  And never spend venture capital on a limited partnership

  without a detailed analytical fiduciary prospectus.WOODY HARRELSON, as bartender Woody Boyd,

  in a 1986 episode of the TV sitcom Cheers

  Never let them see you bleed.DESMOND LLEWELYN, to Pierce Brosnan,

  in the 1999 James Bond film The World Is Not Enough

  (screenplay by Neal Purvis, Robert Wade & Bruce Fierstein)

  This line may have been inspired by Never let ’em see you sweat, which we discussed in the classic neverisms chapter. It occurs in the following dialogue between Q (Llewelyn), and Agent 007 (Brosnan):Q: I’ve always tried to teach you two things. First, never let them see you bleed. . . . Bond: And the second?Q: Always have an escape plan.

  In seven James Bond films from 1963 to 1973, Llewellyn played the role of Q, the head of the fictional research and development lab of the British Secret Service. Q’s lab was often referred to as “the gadget lab,” for all the ingenious inventions that Bond used to extricate himself from dangerous situations.

  Never keep a customer waiting and never let one get away.GEORGE LLOYD, as the character Dobson, in the 1949 film

  Bandit King of Texas (screenplay by Olive Cooper)

  Never show yourself to be insecure.RONALD NEAME, advice to directors

  Neame was a respected filmmaker, the director of such films as The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (1968) and The Poseidon Adventure (1972). He was a noted cinematographer and producer as well, but he was speaking as a director here. He introduced his neverism this way: “Remember, no matter how young you are, you are a father figure.”

  Three things to remember when you get older:

  Never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on,

  and never trust a fart.JACK NICHOLSON, in the 2007 film The Bucket List

  (screenplay by Justin Zackham)

  Nicholson, in the role of the caustic and self-absorbed billionaire Edward Cole, offers this thought to his smart-alecky assistant, Tom (Sean Hayes, of Will and Grace fame). Tom, who has a testy relationship with his boss, replies, “Thanks, I’ll try to keep that in mind as I approach decrepitude.”

  Never rub another man’s rhubarb.JACK NICHOLSON, in Tim Burton’s 1989 film Batman

  (screenplay by Sam Hamm & Warren Skaaren)

  Nicholson, in the role of The Joker, says this to Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) just after shooting him for making a pass at his girlfriend, Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger). It was the first time American filmgoers had heard the expression, but The Joker’s meaning was apparent: “Never mess with another man’s woman.” In English sexual slang since the late 1800s, rhubarb has been used as a term for a man’s penis or a woman’s vagina.

  Never confuse the audience with the critics.ROBERT PRESTON, as playwright Alex Dennison,

  in Rehearsal for Murder (1982)

  (screenplay by Richard Levinson & William Link)

  Never revisit the past, that’s dangerous.ROBERT REDFORD

  This was Redford’s response in 2005 when asked by Harry Smith of CBS’s The Morning Show if a future movie with Paul Newman would be a good way to revisit the past. He added: “You know, move on.”

  Never assume you’ll be turned down.JOAN RIVERS, on how to approach auditions

  My dad gave me a few words of advice that I’ve always tried to live by.

  He said, “Son, never throw a punch at a redwood tree.”TOM SELLECK, as Thomas Magnum,

  recalling advice from his father,

  in a 1982 Magnum, P.I. episode

  I learned from the folks at www.magnum-mania.com that Selleck offered this line as a narration to the audience in the last episode of the 1982 season (“Three Minus Two,” written by Robert Van Scoyk). In the scene, Magnum is confronted by a big security guard named “Ox.” Just after Magnum recalls his father’s words, he is punched squarely in the face by “Ox.” In the brawl that ensues, though, Magnum ultimately prevails.

  Ha, ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders.

  The most famous is:

  “Never get involved in a land war in Asia.”

  But only slightly less well-known is this:

  “Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!”WALLACE SHAWN, to Cary Elwes,

  in Rob Reiner’s 1987 film The Princess Bride

  (screenplay by William Goldman)

  This line occurs in a memorable “battle of wits” scene between the dastardly Vizzini (Shawn) and the heroic Wesley (Elwes). The “land war in Asia” line is a reference to a famous observation from General Douglas MacArthur, which we discussed in the politics & government chapter. The Princess Bride, based on Goldman’s 1973 novel of the same title, is now often described as a modern classic.

  Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink.WILL SMITH, in the 2005 film Hitch (screenplay by Kevin Bisch)

  In the film, Smith plays Alex “Hitch” Hitchens, a professional “date doctor” who is attracted to Sara Melas, a workaholic gossip columnist (played by Eva Mendes). When Sara arrives at Hitch’s apartment for the first time, they pour two glasses of wine and
she asks, “What should we toast to?” After offering the foregoing toast, he attempts to charm her by adding:

  But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love.

  If you must steal, steal away from bad company.

  If you must cheat, cheat death.

  And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

  Remember this practical piece of advice:

  Never come into the theatre with mud on your feet.CONSTANTIN STANISLAVSKY

  Stanislavsky, speaking metaphorically here, was Russia’s greatest actor in the nineteenth century, and ultimately the country’s most influential theatrical director. After cofounding the Moscow Art Theatre in 1898, he developed the “Stanislavky System” for training actors, an approach that ultimately evolved into “The Method,” popularized by Lee Strasberg and others at The Actors Studio in New York City. He finished his admonition this way:Leave your dust and dirt outside. Check your little worries, squabbles, petty difficulties with your outside clothing—all the things that ruin your life and draw your attention away from your art—at the door.

  Never say your salary is so-and-so;

  let them make you an offer first and then tell them,

  if necessary, what you had in your last engagement.ELLEN TERRY, advice to her nephew John Gielgud

  In his 1974 autobiography Early Stages, Gielgud said this was the first of two pieces of invaluable advice he had received from his famous aunt. The second was: “You must never say it is a bad audience. It is your business to make it a good one.”

  Never send a monkey to do a man’s job.MARK WAHLBERG, in Planet of the Apes,

  a 2001 remake of the 1968 film (screenplay by

  William Broyles, Lawrence Konner & Mark Rosenthal)

  Wahlberg plays Captain Leo Davidson, an American astronaut who lands on a planet ruled by apes that talk and exhibit other human qualities. After Captain Davidson bests one of his ape adversaries, he exults with this spin-off of the proverbial saying Never send a boy to do a man’s job (discussed in the classic neverisms chapter).

  Angelina Jolie, in her first major film role in Hackers (1995), offered another variation on the same proverb. In the role of computer hacker Kate “Acid Burn” Libby, she says:

  Never send a boy to do a woman’s job.

  Other films, and one television Christmas Special, have also tweaked the famous saying:

  Never send a man to do a cat’s job.GARFIELD, in A Garfield Christmas Special (1987)

  Never send an adult to do a kid’s job.ALEXA VEGA, as Carmen Cortez, in Spy Kids (2001)

  Never send a human to do a machine’s job.HUGO WEAVING, as Agent Smith, in The Matrix (1999)

  I’ve always had two principles throughout all my life in motion-pictures:

  never do before the camera what you would not do at home

  and never do at home what you would not do before the camera.EVELYN WAUGH

  These words come from a fictional character—the aging English actor Sir Ambrose Abercrombie—in Waugh’s 1948 satirical novel The Loved One: An Anglo-American Tragedy (Waugh described it as “a little nightmare produced by the unaccustomed high living of a brief visit to Hollywood”).

  Never insult anybody unintentionally.JOHN WAYNE, quoting his father

  Wayne offered this in a 1971 Playboy interview. He added, “If I insult you, you can be goddam sure I intend to.” Wayne’s father may have been inspired by a popular line widely attributed to Oscar Wilde, but in fact authored by the American writer Oliver Herford: “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.”

  Never burn bridges.

  Today’s junior prick, tomorrow’s senior partner.SIGOURNEY WEAVER, to Melanie Griffith,

  in Mike Nichols’s 1988 film Working Girl

  (screenplay by Kevin Wade)

  In the film, Katherine Parker (Weaver) is a high-class but hard-boiled, female executive who has recently hired the hardworking but unsophisticated Tess McGill (Griffith) as her secretary. In an early scene, McGill observes Parker’s cordial interaction with an obnoxious male colleague. As the man walks away, Parker says, “Ugh! What a slob!” McGill, impressed with how her boss handled the interaction, says, “You were so smooth with him.” The cynical Parker then replies with her never burn bridges comment.

  sixteen

  Never Answer an Anonymous Letter

  Oxymoronic & Paradoxical Neverisms

  The American actor Paul Muni retired in 1959, shortly after receiving an Oscar nomination for his performance in The Last Angry Man. Muni was one of the most respected actors of his generation. In his very first film, The Valiant (1929), he was nominated for a Best Actor Academy Award for his role as a prisoner preparing to be executed. After his performances in two 1932 films—Scarface and I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang—he was described by the publicists at Warner Brothers as “The screen’s greatest actor.” He starred in only two dozen films in his career, but received six Best Oscar nominations (winning one, for his performance in the 1935 film The Story of Louis Pasteur). Muni is only one of six actors to receive an Oscar nomination for his first and last screen appearances.

  Named Meshilem Meier Weisenfreund at birth, Muni was seven years of age when he emigrated from Poland to America with his parents. His mother and father were both actors in the Yiddish theater, and it was only natural that their son would seek a show-business career. He made his stage debut as an actor at age twelve under the stage name Moony Weisenfreund. Several years later, he was performing as a juggler with the Yiddish Art Theatre when he got some life-changing advice from another juggler, a man named W. C. Fields:

  You’ll never make it as a juggler, m’boy.

  Your eyes are too sad. But don’t listen to me, kid.

  My entire success is based on one rule:

  never take advice from anybody!

  George Bernard Shaw said something similar in an 1894 letter to an aspiring critic, R. Golding Bright. At the end of a letter filled with suggestions, Shaw wrote:

  Finally, since I have given you all this advice,

  I add this crowning precept, the most valuable of all.

  NEVER TAKE ANYBODY’S ADVICE.

  By giving advice to never take advice, Fields and Shaw were engaging in self-contradictory phrasing, a topic I explored in a previous book, Oxymoronica: Paradoxical Wit and Wisdom from History’s Greatest Wordsmiths (2004).

  In an oxymoron, two opposing words are paired in such a way that something literally false becomes figuratively true (as in expressions like jumbo shrimp, pretty ugly, old news, and according to some, military intelligence). The Oxford Companion to the English Language defines oxymoron this way:

  A term in rhetoric for bringing opposites together in a compact paradoxical word or phrase.

  An oxymoron is sometimes described as “a compressed paradox,” and the two terms are closely related, though paradox is far more difficult to define. Here’s what the Oxford Companion to the English Language has to say on the subject:A term in rhetoric for a situation or a statement that is or seems

  self-contradictory and even absurd, but may contain an insight into life, such as the child is father of the man. Rationally, a child cannotbe a father, but one can propose in this figurative way

  that the nature of one’s early life affects later ideas and attitudes.

  If an oxymoron contains a contradiction in terms, then a paradox contains a contradiction in ideas. In paradoxical statements—such as less is more or never say never—we see an internal contradiction that initially may appear a bit jarring. As with an oxymoron, a paradoxical statement may look false—or even ridiculous—at first, but closer examination often reveals a deeper meaning, and sometimes even the elements of a profound truth.

  Advising people not to take advice—as Fields and Shaw did—is paradoxical phrasing at its best. It’s also something that others have done over the years:

  Never give advice—it will just backfire on you.DON NOVELLO, in
his Saturday Night Live

  role as Father Guido Sarducci

  Remember who you are and where you are and what you’re doing.

  Nobody else can do anything for you

  and you really wouldn’t want them to, anyway.

  And never take advice, including this.KATHERINE ANNE PORTER, advice to young artists

  I always advise people never to give advice.P. G. WODEHOUSE

  While Never take advice is a popular example of self-contradictory phrasing, it is not the most popular example. Not by far. That honor would have to go to Never say never, a saying used to communicate the idea that it is folly to predict that something will never happen or that you will never do something again.

  A number of reference sources indicate that the saying first appeared in The Pickwick Papers, an 1837 classic by Charles Dickens. I’ve searched the book several times, though, and while the expression Never say die does appear, Never say never is nowhere to be found. The Yale Book of Quotations suggests that it is of far more recent origin, calling it “A modern proverb” and citing a 1926 song by George Marion Jr. as the first documented appearance of the saying.

  We may never learn who originally authored Never say never, but it’s become a modern classic, serving as the title of more than fifty books and at least a dozen song and album titles. You may recall from the stage & screen chapter how it showed up in the life and career of Sean Connery. The phrase also played a prominent role in the life of another screen legend, Gloria Swanson. In her 1980 autobiography Swanson on Swanson, the legendary screen star wrote: