Neverisms Page 17

  for love is not ours to command.ALAN WATTS

  Never ask a woman her weight on the first date.MICHAEL WEATHERLY

  Weatherly said this as Special Agent Anthony “Tony” DiNozzo in a Season One episode of NCIS in 2003. In a Season Four episode, he offered another dehortation: “Never date a woman who eats more than you do.”1. Never put makeup on at a table.2. Never ask a man where he has been.3. Never keep him waiting.4. Never baby him when he is disconsolate.5. Never fail to baby him when he is sick or has a hangover.6. Never let him see you when you are not at your best.7. Never talk about your other dates or boyfriends of the past.MAE WEST, in “How to Hold a Man” (1935), quoted

  by W. Safire and L. Safir in Words of Wisdom (1990)

  Never let a man define who you are.OPRAH WINFREY, attributed, but not verified

  For several years, this and a number of other Winfrey quotations have been widely circulated on the Internet, often under the heading, “What Oprah Winfrey Had to Say about Men.” They have never been documented, and neither I nor other quotation researchers have been able to verify them. Some are quite interesting, though, especially the neverisms. Even though I can’t vouch for their authenticity, here they are:

  Never co-sign for a man.

  Never borrow someone else’s man.

  Never move into his mother’s house.

  Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

  Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

  I attribute my whole success in life

  to a rigid observance of the fundamental rule—

  Never have yourself tattooed with any woman’s name,

  not even her initials.P. G. WODEHOUSE, from a character in French Leave (1956)

  Never give the heart outright.WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS

  This is a line from “Never Give All the Heart,” a 1904 poem stimulated by Yeats’s legendary—and famously unrequited—love for Maud Gonne. The entire first stanza of the poem looks like a recognition on Yeats’s part that he might have erred by coming on a bit too soon and a bit too strong:Never give all the heart, for loveWill hardly seem worth thinking ofTo passionate women if it seemCertain. . . .

  ten

  Never Change Diapers in Mid-Stream

  Marriage, Home & Family Life

  In the early morning of July 6, 2008, Susan Striker, a Greenwich, Connecticut, art teacher, engaged in a familiar morning ritual—retrieving the early edition of the New York Times from her doorstep, making herself a cup of hot tea, and settling back into bed for a relaxing morning read. After skimming over the front-page headlines and perusing her favorite sections, she arrived at the op-ed page, where her eyes were immediately drawn to the words “An Ideal Husband,” the title of a Maureen Dowd column.

  In writing her column that week, Dowd was inspired by a remark that supermodel Christie Brinkley had recently made in divorce proceedings against husband Peter Cook, a prominent New York architect. After discovering that Cook had been having an affair with his eighteen-year-old assistant and paying out more than three grand a month for Internet porn and swinger websites, Brinkley said: “The man who I was living with, I just didn’t know who he was.”

  As Dowd reflected on Brinkley’s remark, she found herself wondering what a woman would need to do to avoid such a sad and painful outcome. To answer the question, she interviewed Pat Connor, a seventy-nine-year-old Roman Catholic priest living in New Jersey. Connor, with over forty years of experience as a marriage counselor, had distilled his lifetime of experience into a lecture for high school seniors—girls mainly—that he titled “Whom Not to Marry.” When he was asked to summarize his talk, the first thing he offered was this rule:

  Never marry a man who has no friends.

  This usually means that he will be

  incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands.

  Father Connor offered several other guidelines as well, but it was this first one that kept coming back to Susan Striker’s mind as she sipped her morning tea and read the article. Several years earlier, after her second marriage ended in divorce, she compiled a number of similar never marry a man thoughts. She expanded her original list to more than two dozen after interviewing several divorced friends and incorporating their ideas (she had once even considered writing a magazine article on the subject, but that never panned out). Striker hadn’t looked at her list for a few years, but Dowd’s article—and especially Father Connor’s admonition—brought it all back to mind. She put down the paper and hurried off to her study, hoping to find it on a file in her computer.

  If the truth be told, Striker had a fondness for rules beginning with the word never. In 2001, she’d written Young at Art, a book on fostering artistic creativity in infants and young children. Writing that “art is not a frill” but a bedrock foundation for the development of later skills, she laid out “Ten Cardinal Rules for Teaching Creative Art.” Five were expressed neveristically, including:

  Never show a child “how” to draw.

  Never encourage children to participate in art contests

  or other forms of competition that pit child against child.

  Back in her study, Striker was delighted to find her original list. She fired off an e-mail to Dowd, told her how much she enjoyed the article, and attached her list of twenty-eight rules. She got a phone call from a Times staffer later that day to verify that she was the person who wrote the letter. She then put it out of her mind as she packed for a seminar she was scheduled to do in Tennessee. Three days later, she was in Nashville when she learned that an edited version of her letter had appeared that day in the “Letters to the Editor” section of the New York Times:To the Editor:

  I am a twice-divorced woman, and after my second divorce I sat down and wrote a message to women, including these words of advice: Never marry a man who yells at you in front of his friends. Never marry a man who is more affectionate in public than in private. Never marry a man who notices all of your faults but never notices his own. Never marry a man whose first wife had to sue him for child support. Never marry a man who corrects you in public. Never marry a man who sends birthday cards to his ex-girlfriends. Never marry a man who doesn’t treat his dog nicely. Never marry a man who is rude to waiters. Never marry a man who doesn’t love music. Never marry a man whose plants are all dead. Never marry a man your mother doesn’t like. Never marry a man your children don’t like. Never marry a man who hates his job. Never marry a man who doesn’t give you lovely and romantic gifts for your birthday and Valentine’s Day. Susan Striker Easton, Conn., July 6, 2008

  Even though her original list had been reduced from twenty-eight to fourteen items, the letter’s publication generated a great deal of interest from people all around the country—many of whom Striker hadn’t talked with in years. And while she had never managed to write a full article on the subject, it was a thrill to see her thoughts presented to the world in such a respected publication.

  Susan Striker didn’t know it at the time, but in creating a list of never marry a man admonitions, she was carrying on a longstanding tradition. In one early example, an 1856 issue of The Home Circle, a monthly publication of the Methodist Episcopal Church, offered female readers ten “Little Hints about Getting a Husband.” As it turns out, though, the hints were less about getting a husband than about what kind of husband not to get. Nine of the ten tips were expressed neveristically, including these:

  Never marry a fop, or one who struts about, dandy-like,

  in his silk gloves and ruffles,

  with a gold-headed cane, and rings on his fingers.

  Never marry a mope or a drone—

  one who drawls and draggles through life,

  one foot after another, and lets things take their own course.

  Never marry a sloven, a man who is negligent in his person

  or his dress, and is filthy in his habits.

  The external appearance is an index to his heart.

 
; In 1878, an insert in The Friend, a religious and literary journal published by the Society of Friends, contained a warning to women who might be tempted to marry a man simply because he has professed his love:

  Never marry a man who has only his love for you to recommend him.

  It is very fascinating, but it does not make the man.

  Writing that “love alone will not do,” the piece argued that other traits of the suitor must also be considered. The rest of the explanation is fascinating, and I think you will enjoy it as an example of how little has changed over the years:If the man is dishonorable to other men, or mean, or given to any vice, the time will come when you will either loathe him or sink to his level. It is hard to remember, amidst kisses, that there is anything else in the world to be done or thought of but love-making; but the days of life are many, and the husband must be a guide to be trusted—a companion, a friend, as well as a lover.

  The issuance of warnings about who not to marry has been a staple of the advice literature for many years—and the trend continues to the present day. A few months ago, I pulled up behind a car at a stoplight. I was working on this chapter at the time, and the bumper sticker on the car in front of me couldn’t have been more appropriate:

  Never marry a man who refers to the Rehearsal Dinner as the Last Supper.

  Men, of course, have also offered thoughts on the kinds of women a man should never marry. Johnny Carson offered one hilarious example:

  Never marry a girl named “Marie” who used to be known as “Murray.”

  While thoughts about who one should never marry are common, they comprise only a fraction of the cautionary warnings issued to those embarking upon the matrimonial adventure. In her 1996 bestseller Wake Up and Smell the Coffee, Ann Landers offered “Twelve Rules for a Happy Marriage.” Of the dozen items on her list, six were expressed neveristically:

  Never both be angry at once.

  Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.

  Never bring up a mistake of the past.

  Never let the day end without saying

  at least one complimentary thing to your life’s partner.

  Never meet without an affectionate greeting.

  Never go to bed mad.

  Landers was not the original author of the rules, which had been making the rounds for nearly a century as dispensers of marital advice offered their best thinking on how to make a marriage work. The twelve rules have varied slightly from person to person and era to era—and the Landers version even neglected to mention two that had commonly appeared on previous lists:

  Never call your spouse a fool and mean it.

  Never argue about anything in front of other people.

  In addition to marital guidelines, thousands of homemaking and housekeeping tips have been offered over the years. In 1959, stay-at-home mom Heloise Bowles—the wife of an Air Force pilot stationed in Hawaii—began writing a weekly column of household hints for the Honolulu Advertiser. Mrs. Bowles had a knack for coming up with practical—but not necessarily obvious—tips on cooking, cleaning, shopping, decorating, and other domestic topics. The column was so popular it was made available for syndication, renamed “Hints from Heloise,” and ultimately picked up by more than six hundred newspapers. When Mrs. Bowles died of lung cancer in 1977, her daughter Kiah took over the column, retained the trade name, and made it even more successful. The columns of both mother and daughter were spiced with neverisms:

  Never iron a dish towel.

  Never make one pie crust at a time.

  Never soak clothes over ten minutes.

  Never put anything but food into your freezer.

  Never walk into a room you are going to clean without a paper sack.

  Never stretch out on concrete or cement in any type of elasticized bathing suit.

  Never use scouring powder or bleaches on plastic cups.

  Never wash windows when the sun is shining in.

  Never, ever over-water a philodendron.

  Never buy cheap paint for the kitchen.

  In the remainder of the chapter, we’ll continue our look at neverisms about marriage, home, and family life. If you’re married or a parent, you may find many thoughts of value in the following pages. And if you’re contemplating marriage or parenthood, you might want to heed these lessons from those who’ve already walked down those exciting but treacherous life paths.

  Never try to guess your wife’s size.

  Just buy her anything marked “petite” and hold on to the receipt.ANONYMOUS

  Many of the best observations on a whole host of topics—including marriage and family life—come from anonymous sources. Here are a few more:

  Never forget your anniversary;

  have the date engraved inside your wedding ring.

  Never contradict your wife.

  Listen awhile and she’ll eventually contradict herself.

  Never marry a person you’ve known for less than a year.

  Never marry someone who makes you give up your friends.

  Never marry someone who looks down on your family.

  Never marry someone who wants to change you.

  Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home.

  He probably lies about other things too.

  Never marry a man who hates his mother,

  because he’ll end up hating you.JILL BENNETT

  Bennett, a Malaysian-born English actress, was the fourth wife (out of five) of British playwright John Osborne. She had been divorced from him for five years when a 1982 issue of London’s The Observer featured this as the “Saying of the Week.” Osborne, who helped transform English theater in 1956 with Look Back in Anger, was the leading figure of a group of English playwrights known as “the angry young men.”

  Never teach your child to be cunning or you may be certain

  you will be one of the very first victims of his shrewdness.JOSH BILLINGS (Henry Wheeler Shaw)

  Never fear spoiling children by making them too happy.ANNA ELIZA BRAY

  Bray, a nineteenth-century English novelist, was writing in an era when the idea of doing things to make children happy was often disparaged as mere coddling. She added: “Happiness is the atmosphere in which all good affections grow—the wholesome warmth necessary to make the heart-blood circulate healthily and freely.”

  Never threaten a child with a visit to the dentist.JANE E. BRODY, in a 1984 New York Times column

  Never marry a man who can’t please you.

  If you’d rather be with someone else, then don’t make the commitment.DR. JOYCE BROTHERS

  It’s the first rule of marriage: never tell a wife you’re tired.ANDREW CLOVER

  Clover, an English actor and writer, said this in an article on love in London’s Sunday Times on Valentine’s Day, 2010. He added: “Ignore that, and you fall foul of the Bill of Women’s Rights.” His point was that husbands don’t work nearly as hard as their wives—and will therefore get little sympathy when they complain about being tired. That Bill of Women’s Rights, according to Clover, states:Throughout this marriage, we are the ones who’ve got up, every night, often to tend to children who literally chewed our flesh. In all arguments and situations, therefore, we shall be considered the injured party, and if any man should dare to complain, on the one day he woke early, he shall rightfully taste the lash on his fat hairy shoulders.

  Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife,

  unless the one is to be sold and the other to be buried.CHARLES CALEB COLTON, in Lacon (1820)

  Never marry a man who lets you walk all over him.

  It’s good to have a doormat in the house, but not if it’s your husband.PAT CONNOR, in his 2010 book Whom Not to Marry:

  Time-Tested Advice from a Higher Authority

  We introduced Father Connor at the beginning of the chapter, when we described Maureen Dowd’s 2008 interview with him. That exposure in the New York Times helped Connor land a book deal, thereby enabling him to more
fully explore his mate-selection rules. In addition to his doormat observation, he also wrote:

  Never marry a man who isn’t responsible with cash.

  Most marriages that flounder do so because of money,

  a case of ’til debt do us part.

  Never say “that was before your time,”

  because the last full moon was before their time.BILL COSBY, on speaking to children,

  in Love and Marriage (1989)

  Never on any account say to a child,

  “You are lazy and good for nothing”

  because that gives birth in him

  to the very faults of which you accuse him.ÉMILE COUÉ, in Self Mastery Through

  Conscious Autosuggestion (1920)

  Coué was a pioneering French psychologist who believed that mental health could be improved through a ritualized repetition of a phrase or saying. His most famous was, “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” His work greatly influenced American self-help authors and laid the foundation for the modern use of affirmations.

  Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed.

  She’ll go out and get a second opinion.RODNEY DANGERFIELD

  Never marry your childhood sweetheart;

  the reasons that make you choose her will

  all turn into reasons why you should have rejected her.ROBERTSON DAVIES, from Boy Staunton,

  the narrator of The Manticore (1972)