Neverisms Page 16

  Never run after a woman or a bus, because there’s one every ten minutes.

  The ones after midnight are not as often, but they are faster.

  Never bag on another man’s fetish.ANONYMOUS

  Urbandictionary.com describes this modern “code of conduct” this way:Never bag on (make fun of, put down) someone else’s fetishes or sexual turn-ons, because lurking in the dark corners of your mind are some crazy turn-ons that you would never want anyone to find out about, and if they did, you wouldn’t want them to bag on you for it.

  Never kiss by the garden gate.

  Love is blind, but the neighbors ain’t.ANONYMOUS RHYME

  “Never Let a Sailor Lad an Inch Above Your Knee”ANONYMOUS ENGLISH FOLK SONG

  This is the title of a bawdy nineteenth-century English folk song. Why should a fair maiden heed such advice? The lyric below, from a sad-but-wiser woman, explains why:Come all of you fair maidens, a warning take by meAnd never let a sailor lad an inch above your kneeFor I trusted one and he beguiled meHe left me with a pair of twins to dangle on my knee

  Never assume that the guy understands

  that you and he have a relationship.DAVE BARRY, in Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys (1996)

  Barry called this “The Number One Tip” for women who want to have a relationship with men. With tongue in cheek, he went on to explain:The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation.

  After providing several not-so-subtle examples, Barry continued:Never let up, ladies. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy’s brain. Some day he might even start to think about it on his own.

  Never date a man who knows more about your vagina than you do.ROBIN BARTLETT, to Meg Ryan, in the 1988 film City of Angels

  This is one of my all-time favorite movie quotations, but it goes by so quickly that it’s easy to miss it. The line is delivered by Bartlett, playing a pediatric nurse named Anne, to heart surgeon Dr. Maggie Rice (played by Ryan). The distraught doctor, who has just lost a patient in surgery, escapes to the hospital nursery for some quiet time. Sitting among the newborn babies, she begins to wonder if she should have chosen another specialty. “I should’ve gone into pediatrics,” she finally confesses to Anne. Attempting to lighten the mood, the nurse introduces her vaginal dating admonition by saying, “Oh no. Every guy you meet is either married or a gyno.”

  One simple rule, ladies:

  Always be classy. Never be crazy.

  Okay, actually it’s two simple rules,

  but trust me, you will never be sad you followed them.GREG BEHRENDT & LIZ TUCILLO, on losing it after

  a bad break-up, in He’s Just Not That Into You (2004)

  Never date a man who wears

  more jewelry—or worries more about his wardrobe—than you.LARA FLYNN BOYLE, quoting her mother

  Never force anyone to do anything for you “in the name of love.”

  Love is not to be bargained for.LEO BUSCAGLIA, in Loving Each Other:

  The Challenge of Human Relationships (1984)

  Never date a man whose belt buckle is bigger than his head.BRETT BUTLER

  Butler said this in the popular 1990s sitcom Grace Under Fire, in which she played Grace Kelly, a single mom struggling to raise her three children. Kelly, a recovering alcoholic with an edgy quality, was famous for her no-nonsense remarks. She also once said: “Never take a job where the boss calls you ‘babe.’”

  Never refer to any part of his body below his waist as “cute” or “little.”C. E. CRIMMINS, in The Secret World of Men:

  A Girl’s-Eye View (1987)

  This appeared in Crimmins’s clever satirical travel guide for women who are planning a trip to the foreign—and often extremely exotic—nation of Boyland. Crimmins’s spoof holds up very well after nearly twenty-five years. In a section on “Sex in Boyland,” she added:

  Never ask if he changes his sheets seasonally.

  Never expect him to do anything about birth control.

  If you’re single, never date a man who has

  a freshly used fly swatter as his only living room decoration.VICKI CHRISTIAN, in Girls Just Wanna Have Clean! (2004)

  Never love with all your heart, It only ends in aching; And bit by bit to the smallest part, That organ will be breaking.COUNTEE CULLEN, from the poem “Song in Spite of Myself,”

  in The Black Christ and Other Poems (1929)

  Never tell a loved one of an infidelity.

  You will be badly rewarded for your trouble.NINON DE LENCLOS, in The Coquette Avenged (1659)

  Ninon de Lenclos was one of history’s most famous courtesans, the proprietor of a seventeenth-century Paris salon that attracted the most prominent figures of the day (many of whom became her lovers). After retiring as a courtesan at age fifty, she began hosting receptions for the rich and famous, and even developed a respectable reputation in her later years. She was greatly admired by Molière and was a close friend of Voltaire’s father (she even left the young Voltaire money in her will). In the 1960s, Lenny Bruce updated the advice on extramarital sexual encounters:

  Never tell. Not if you love your wife.

  In fact, if your lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out:

  “I’m tellin’ ya, this chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck:

  ‘Lay on top of me, or I’ll die.’ ”

  Never utter the words I and love and you

  if you’ve had more than three drinks. ESQUIRE MAGAZINE EDITORS, from

  The Rules: A Man’s Guide to Life (2005)

  A number of other Esquire rules for men appear in other chapters of this book, but here are three more that fit into the theme of this chapter:

  Never order a Sloppy Joe on the first date.

  Never go home with a woman who smokes cigarillos.

  Never discuss affairs of the heart with a guy

  who refers to sexual intimacy as “My daily requirement of Vitamin F.”

  Never call him,

  or return his phone calls very infrequently.ELLEN FEIN & SHERRIE SCHNEIDER

  This comes from The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, a 1995 bestseller that became something of a cultural phenomenon. Assailed by critics as manipulative and antifeminist, the book was a big hit, selling more than two million copies in twenty-seven languages. The book also spawned a number of sequels. Given the title, I expected the book to be a neveristic gold mine, but not one of the original 35 Rules was phrased in such a way. Most were expressed less forcefully, like “Don’t Talk to a Man First” or “Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date After Wednesday.” In discussing the rules, however, the authors did occasionally toss out a few neverisms:

  You should never spend Saturday nights lying on your bed.

  Never sit around dreaming of him

  or you might end up acting on your thoughts.

  (on an attraction to a married man)

  Never give him your address or meet him at your apartment,

  and never let him pick you up in his car to drive to a restaurant.

  (a rule for dating via personal ads)

  Never let him think, even if it’s true,

  that you are home thinking about him and making the wedding guest list.

  Men love the seemingly unattainable girl.

  Never try to impress a woman, because if you do

  she’ll expect you to keep up to the standard for the rest of your life.W. C. FIELDS

  Never have sex with your ex.YVONNE K. FULBRIGHT

  This was the first of seventy dating and relationship rules—every one beginning with the word never—that Fulbright laid out in Sex with Your Ex . . . And 69 Other Things You Should Never Do Again (2007). Fulbright’s list contains all the mistakes one would expect in such a compilation, and also some fresh ones. Here are several more of my favorites:

  Never ask him if you look
fat.

  Never answer your phone during sex.

  Never reveal your number of sexual partners.

  Never talk about things your previous lovers did in bed.

  Never write your ex a letter letting him know “how you feel.”

  Never ask . . . which of your friends he would sleep with if he weren’t with you.

  Never give a gift or present without wrapping it.GREGORY J. P. GODEK

  In 1001 Ways to be Romantic (1999), Godek added: “Get extra-nice wrapping paper and bows. If you truly have two left thumbs, get the store to do your gift-wrapping for you.”

  Never tell a woman she doesn’t look good

  in some article of clothing she has just purchased.LEWIS GRIZZARD

  Never chase a man. Let him chase you.KIM GRUENENFELDER, in her 2009

  novel A Total Waste of Makeup

  The words come at the beginning of the novel, when the protagonist—a twenty-nine-year-old Hollywood executive assistant—attempts to make sense out of her own life by writing a book of advice for her imagined future great-grandniece. As she reflects on “pretty much anything I wish I had known at sixteen, and wish I could force myself to remember at twenty-nine,” she also offers these tips:

  Never ask a guy about his old girlfriends.

  Never expect anyone to take care of you financially.

  Never ask a single person if they’re “seeing anyone special,”

  an unemployed person if they found a job,

  or a married couple when they’re planning to have children.

  Never have a love affair with a man whose friendship you value.

  Because there’s nothing like sex

  to make people hate and misunderstand each other.EMILY “MICKEY” HAHN

  Never judge someone by who he’s in love with;

  judge him by his friends.CYNTHIA HEIMEL, in But Enough about You (1986)

  Heimel added: “People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his friends.” In Kim Gruenenfelder’s A Total Waste of Makeup (2009), the protagonist makes a similar observation:

  Never judge people by who they date—your own sex life

  is confusing enough without trying to figure out someone else’s.

  Never crowd youngsters about their private affairs—sex especially.ROBERT A. HEINLEIN

  The words come from the character Lazarus Long in Heinlein’s Time Enough for Love (1973). He continues:When they are growing up, they are nerve ends all over, and resent (quite properly) any invasion of their privacy. Oh, sure, they’ll make mistakes—but that’s their business, not yours. (You made your own mistakes, did you not?)

  Never try to make a husband your husband.KERRY HERLIHY

  This exceptional admonition is from “Papa Don’t Preach,” an essay that appeared in an anthology of feminist writing, The Bitch in the House (2000), edited by Cathi Hanauer. In the essay, Herlihy also wrote: “Never take him seriously when he complains about his wife.”

  Never document your workplace romance in a diary

  where a nosy roommate or boyfriend can find it

  and attempt to blackmail your boss.RUTH HOUSTON

  Houston, an “infidelity expert” who wrote Is He Cheating on You? (2002), offered this thought in 2009, shortly after CBS producer Joe Halderman, was arrested for trying to extort two million dollars from David Letterman. Halderman was the boyfriend of Stephanie Birkitt, an assistant to Letterman. After Halderman discovered evidence of a sexual relationship between Birkitt and Letterman in her personal diary and e-mails, he attempted to use the information to blackmail Letterman. Houston added this diary rule to a previously published list of “17 Rules of Engagement for Workplace Romance,” a number of which were expressed neveristically:

  Never get involved with someone in your direct chain of command.

  Never get involved in an office affair

  if either of you are married or in a committed relationship.

  Never engage in sex on company property.

  (That includes stairwells, supply closets, and company parking lots.)

  Never allow yourself to be pressured

  into any activity that makes you uncomfortable,

  no matter what your partner wants.HILDA HUTCHERSON

  This was Rule Number Two in Hutcherson’s 2002 book What Your Mother Never Told You about S-E-X (the first was “Always Communicate”).

  Never screw your buddy to screw a girl.JOE KITA, in Guy Q: 1,305 Totally Essential Secrets

  You Either Know, or You Don’t (2003)

  In this observation, described by Kita as “The Buddy Bylaw,” two separate meanings of the verb to screw are cleverly juxtaposed. He also advised:

  When you’re trying to impress a woman,

  never utter these words at the cusp of an evening,

  “So, what do you feel like doing?” A true Casanova takes charge.

  Never forget that cologne is for after showering,

  not instead of showering.CAROL LEIFER, in When You Lie About

  Your Age, the Terrorists Win (2009)

  This was one of “A Dozen Things Men Should Know (But Most Don’t).” In contrast to the many dehortations we’ve been featuring, a wise exhortation also appeared on Leifer’s list: “Always walk a woman to her car. And always wait until a woman’s car has driven safely away.”

  When your man is mad, wait until he’s in the right mood.

  Never approach fire with gas.RISA MICKENBERG, quoting an unnamed

  taxi driver, in Taxi Driver Wisdom (1996)

  Never go out with anyone who says

  he loves you more than his wife or girlfriend.WILLIAM NOVAK, in The Great American Man Shortage (1983)

  Novak’s book was subtitled And Other Roadblocks to Romance (and What to Do about It). It also contained these other romantic guidelines:

  Never go out with anyone who has a guru.

  Never go out with anyone who has been seeing a psychiatrist for eleven years.

  Never go out with anyone who remembers high school like it was only yesterday.

  Never become involved with someone who can

  make you lose stature if the relationship becomes known.

  Sleep up.ARISTOTLE ONASSIS, quoting his father

  This remarkable piece of fatherly advice was revealed in Onassis: An Extravagant Life, a 1977 biography by Frank Brady. At age eleven, the sexually precocious young Onassis was interrupted by his stepmother as he was about to complete his first sexual liaison (with the daughter of one of the household servants). Onassis was reprimanded by his stepmother and grandmother, but the father took the boy aside and told him he was more upset by his choice of a mere servant girl. It was advice Onassis apparently took to heart, as later evidenced by his first marriage to Athina Livanos, the daughter of a wealthy Greek shipping magnate, then his notorious extramarital affair with opera diva Maria Callas, and, ultimately, his 1968 marriage to Jacqueline Kennedy.

  Never do anything to your partner with your teeth

  that you wouldn’t do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.P. J. O’ROURKE, offering “a rule of common courtesy” during oral sex

  Never judge a painting or a woman by candlelight.ITALIAN PROVERB

  This proverb was inspired by a passage from Ovid’s classic The Art of Love, a guide to seduction written in the first century A.D. Ovid began by writing, “Don’t judge a woman by candlelight, it’s deceptive. If you really want to know what she looks like, look at her by daylight, and when you’re sober.” And then he concluded, “Night covers a multitude of blemishes and imperfections. At night there is no such thing as an ugly woman.” His observation also likely inspired these other proverbs:

  Never choose bedlinen or a wife by candlelight.

  Never choose a wife by candlelight,

  nor a friend at a feast, nor a horse at a fair.

  Never try to pick up a woman who is wearing a Super Bowl ring.GARRY SHANDLING

  Never ask a woman why she’s angry at y
ou.

  She will either get angrier at you for not knowing, or she’ll tell you.

  Both ways, you lose.IAN SHOALES, as the alter ego of writer & performer Merle Kessler

  Never date a woman whose father calls her “Princess.”

  Chances are she believes it.WES SMITH, in Welcome to the Real World (1987)

  In his compendium of advice for recent high school and college graduates, Smith also offered these rules:

  Never date a man who goes shopping with his mother.

  Never date someone you work with. Especially the boss.

  Never answer an advertisement seeking a “liberal room-mate.”

  You probably are not that liberal.

  “Never Choose a Loser”ABIGAIL VAN BUREN, title of “Dear Abby” column

  In a 1978 column, a fifteen-year-old Washington state girl asked Abby for advice about dating a twenty-nine-year-old divorced man who worked in a gas station. In writing the headline, Van Buren was probably influenced by the girl’s comment, “The poor guy has really had a messed-up life.” Abby finished with this admonition: “Never have anything to do with a fellow you can’t bring home and introduce to your parents.”

  Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.GORE VIDAL

  Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel,