Neverisms Read online

  Over the next decade, Carnegie made a good deal of money and became a popular figure in New York City. One of his pals was Lowell Thomas, a journalist who had recently made a name for himself by chronicling the Arabian exploits of T. E. Lawrence. Thomas and Carnegie were not only friends, they also cohosted a Manhattan radio program for a few years. As the 1920s were coming to an end, the farm boy from Missouri was prospering. Then came the stock market crash of 1929; he lost almost all of his savings.

  As Carnegie began to pull himself back up in the 1930s, the enormous economic collapse dramatically reduced the number of students who could afford to pay for his course. But, true to the principles he had been teaching for so many years, he persisted, and he continued to give all of his students his very best efforts. In 1934, Leon Shimkin, a young bookkeeper at Simon & Schuster, signed up for Carnegie’s fourteen-week class. He was so impressed after the first session that he asked for permission to let his stenographer sit in on the rest of the classes to take notes. The enthusiastic Mr. Shimkin ultimately shared his notes with a few colleagues on the editorial side of the publishing house—and in 1936 Simon & Schuster published Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. Initial expectations were not high (the initial print run was only 5,000 copies) and early reviews were lukewarm. The New York Times said it revealed “a subtle cynicism,” despite containing some “sound, practical common sense” tips.

  Within a year, however, the book was a bestseller and Carnegie achieved celebrity status. How to Win Friends and Influence People ultimately became the most successful self-improvement book in publishing history, with over thirty million copies sold worldwide. The book was a compendium of principles for creating productive and harmonious relationships. Many were expressed positively, as in these “Six Ways to Make People Like You”:1. Become genuinely interested in other people.2. Smile.3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.4. Be a good listener: Encourage others to talk about themselves.5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.6. Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.

  In his writings, Carnegie also offered many admonitions, but his tendency was to present them mildly, preferring to use don’t rather than never in such sayings as, “Don’t criticize,” “Don’t take yourself too seriously,” and “Don’t stew about the future.” When he did use the word never, he often phrased it in an inviting, as opposed to a commanding, way, as in, “Let’s never waste a minute thinking about people we don’t like.”

  On occasion, though, Carnegie delivered straight-out neverisms, expressing himself more forcefully—and with far more impact—when he did:

  Never forget that speaking is an art.

  Never begin by announcing

  “I am going to prove so-and-so to you.”

  If the speaker is wrong in a statement,

  never contradict him flatly.

  Show respect for the other person’s opinions.

  Never say, “You’re wrong.”

  Never forget that all our associates are human beings

  and hunger for appreciation.

  It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.

  For most of history, advice about how to get along with people has been provided—often generously so—by parents, especially fathers. And when it comes to fatherly advice, few can rival Philip Dormer Stanhope, also known as Lord Chesterfield, discussed earlier. His epistolary advice to his son ranged widely, but much of it centered on the nuances of interpersonal relationships, and it was often expressed with firm conviction:

  Take care never to seem dark and mysterious.

  Never maintain an argument with heat and clamor,

  though you think or know yourself to be in the right.

  When you have found out the prevailing passion of any man,

  remember never to trust him where that passion is concerned.

  Never think of entertaining people with your personal concerns,

  or private affairs; though they are interesting to you,

  they are tedious and impertinent to everybody else.

  Never hold anybody by the button, or the hand, in order to be heard out;

  for if people are not willing to hear you,

  you had much better hold your tongue than them.

  Benjamin Disraeli, another English gentleman, also enjoyed giving relationship advice to a younger generation. When asked by a member of Parliament what advice he would give to his son, Disraeli barely hesitated before replying:

  Never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.

  Over the years, fathers have also guided their daughters in the finer points of interpersonal life. When young Jacqueline Bouvier and her sister Lee were growing up on the fashionable East Side of Manhattan, they received almost constant instruction in the social graces from their father, the dashing John (“Black Jack”) Bouvier III. A handsome man with thick, heavily lacquered black hair that was combed straight back, Bouvier knew how to make a dramatic entrance when he walked into a room. He instructed his girls in this fine art as well. You must always, he advised, walk directly to the center of the room, with your chin up, and with a dazzling smile, if appropriate. But you must not be overly friendly. Many men will find that intimidating, and might be fearful of approaching you. And there is one thing you must never do, he would conclude:

  Never act as if you’re looking for someone;

  they should be looking for you.

  Those early lessons helped turn young Jacqueline into an elegant figure, even as an adolescent. When she made her New York society debut in 1947, many people were not at all surprised when Igor Cassini, a New York city gossip columnist and younger brother of fashion designer Oleg Cassini, named her Debutante of the Year. Five years later, in 1952, her grace and elegance also came in handy when, at a dinner party in Washington, D.C., she met a handsome young senator from Massachusetts named John F. Kennedy.

  Perhaps the most poignant piece of relationship advice a parent has ever given a child was contained in a letter that Caitlin Thomas, the widow of Dylan Thomas, wrote to her eighteen-year-old daughter, Aeronwy (she was named after the river Aeron in Wales). In the letter, which was ultimately published in a 1963 book titled Not Quite Posthumous Letters to My Daughter, Caitlin Thomas reflected on her disastrous marriage to the legendary Welsh poet, and dearly hoped her daughter would not make the biggest mistake she had made in her life. She expressed it this way:

  Never depend on immersion in another person

  for your personal growth.

  In the remainder of the chapter, you will find many more relationship neverisms. In future chapters, I’ll focus more specifically on romantic, spousal, and familial relationships. In this chapter, though, we’ll be stepping back just a little as we examine the many mistakes that can be made in the broader arena of human relationships. Most of the advice will be serious, but a number of humorous ones will also be included to lighten the mood and perhaps even give you a chuckle.

  Never rush a hug.ANONYMOUS

  As we’ve seen in other chapters, some of the best relationship neverisms come from anonymous sources. Here are a few more:

  Never take another person for granted.

  Never mistake endurance for hospitality.

  Never answer a question before it’s asked.

  Never make another person your “project.”

  Never lose yourself when you find another person.

  Never assume that you completely understand another human being.

  Never let someone be your priority when all you’ll ever be is their option.

  Never say something about somebody that you wouldn’t say directly to them.

  Never make someone your everything;

  ’cause when they’re gone, you’ll have nothing.

  Never try to joke with young people because

  it’ll just confirm their suspicion that old people are crazy.RUSSELL BAKER, in a 1993 New Yo
rk Times column

  Baker was quoting from a list of “rules for old people” that a friend shared with him. It inspired him to create one of his own rules: “Never try to be pleasant to a young woman because everybody will think you’re a dirty old man.”

  Never desire to appear clever

  and make a show of your talents before men.JOHN STUART BLACKIE

  Blackie, a Scottish university professor, was one of the most respected classical scholars of his time. Today, he is remembered less for his scholarly contributions than for “Lessons for a Young Man’s Life,” an 1892 article he wrote for London’s Young Man magazine, and which was later expanded into a small book. He also advised: “Never indulge the notion that you have any absolute right to choose the sphere or the circumstances in which you are to put forth your powers of social action.”

  Never forget what a man has said to you when he was angry.HENRY WARD BEECHER, in Life Thoughts (1866)

  You’ll find this thought presented in slightly different versions all over the Web and in a variety of quotation anthologies. This is the correct version, taken directly from the 1866 book.

  Never fail to know that if you are doing all the talking,

  you are boring somebody.HELEN GURLEY BROWN, in Having It All (1982)

  Never say bad, cruel, crummy, unhappy, unpleasant,

  critical things in a letter.HELEN GURLEY BROWN, in I’m Wild Again (2000)

  Brown described this as a “cardinal rule” of social and business life. The longtime Cosmo editor added: “If they must be said, try to say them in person or at least by telephone. Put the good things in writing.”

  Do not judge.

  Never presume to judge another human being anyway.

  That’s up to heaven.RITA MAE BROWN, in Starting from Scratch (1989)

  Never idealize others.

  They will never live up to your expectations.LEO BUSCAGLIA, in Loving Each Other:

  The Challenge of Human Relationships (1984)

  In the book, Buscaglia also offered this thought: “Don’t take yourself so seriously, but never fail to take the other person seriously.”

  Never injure a friend, even in jest.MARCUS TULLIUS CICERO

  Never claim as a right what you can ask as a favor.JOHN CHURTON COLLINS

  Never ask a bore a question.MASON COOLEY

  Never say, “I know just how you feel!”

  even if you are absolutely positive that you do.LISA J. COPEN

  This appeared in Copen’s Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend (2007). She also offered these helpful admonitions:

  Never say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

  Never say, “You need to get over this and move on.”

  Never question if your friend is exaggerating her pain level.

  Never—ever—tell her it’s all in her head.

  Never have fools for friends; they are no use.BENJAMIN DISRAELI, from Lady Bellair

  in Henrietta Temple: A Love Story (1837)

  Never put a man in the wrong;

  he will hold it against you forever.WILL DURANT, in The Pleasures of Philosophy (1953)

  Never expect women to be sincere so long as

  they are educated to think that their first aim in life is—to please.MARIE VON EBNER-ESCHENBACH

  Never speak of yourself to others;

  make them talk about themselves instead:

  therein lies the whole art of pleasing.

  Everyone knows it and everyone forgets it.EDMOND & JULES DE GONCOURT

  The Goncourt brothers had one of literary history’s closest and most fascinating writing partnerships. Never spending a day apart from each other during their entire adult lives, they coauthored a half dozen books and plays that achieved modest success. They are best remembered for an intimate journal that chronicled—often in lurid and lecherous detail—the lives of Parisians in the last half of the nineteenth century.

  Since there is nothing so well worth having as friends,

  never lose a chance to make them.FRANCESCO GUICCIARDINI

  Never appeal to a man’s “better nature.”

  He may not have one.

  Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.ROBERT A. HEINLEIN, in Time Enough for Love (1973),

  an entry from “The Notebooks of Lazarus Long”

  Never go on trips with anyone you do not love.ERNEST HEMINGWAY, in A Moveable Feast (1964)

  Hemingway said this to his wife Hadley after returning home from what can only be described as a very challenging trip with friend and fellow writer F. Scott Fitzgerald.

  Never deceive a friend.HIPPARCHUS (6th century B.C.)

  Socrates described Hipparchus as an enlightened ruler who was a patron of the arts and deeply committed to the education of all citizens in the ancient nation-state of Athens. This quotation often appears in essays celebrating the nature of friendship, but it may not be as high-minded as it first appears. Hipparchus probably meant something like “It’s okay to deceive an enemy, but never deceive a friend.”

  Never speak disrespectfully of anyone without a cause.THOMAS “STONEWALL” JACKSON, in Memoirs of

  Stonewall Jackson by His Widow

  Mary Anna Jackson (1895)

  During his many years as a U.S. artillery officer—and later when he was a general in the Confederate Army—Jackson kept a personal journal of inspirational sayings (today they might be called “affirmations”). Almost all of the sayings were borrowed from others, often without attribution. Jackson wasn’t plagiarizing, since the sayings were meant for his own personal use. After his death, though, when the sayings were published in Mrs. Jackson’s memoirs of her husband, they began to be attributed directly to him. Two additional entries in Jackson’s original journal focused on the dangers of self-absorption and long-windedness:

  Never engross the whole conversation to yourself.

  Say as little of yourself and friends as possible.

  Good-breeding is opposed to selfishness, vanity, or pride.

  Never weary your company by talking too long or too frequently.

  Never let a problem to be solved

  become more important than a person to be loved.BARBARA JOHNSON

  For many years, this has been one of my favorite quotations. Despite many attempts, I’ve never been able to determine the identity of Ms. Johnson, who was quoted as saying this in a 1997 issue of Reader’s Digest.

  Never show warmth where it will find no response.

  Nothing is so cold as feeling which is not communicated.JOSEPH JOUBERT

  This appeared in Joubert: A Selection from His Thoughts, a 2005 anthology that also contained this helpful reminder: “Never speak of the faults of a good man to those who know neither his countenance, nor his life, nor his merits.”

  Never reveal all of yourself to other people;

  hold back something in reserve

  so that people are never quite sure if they really know you.MICHAEL KORDA, in Power: How to Get It, How to Use It (1975)

  In his 1975 bestseller, Korda wrote, “All life is a game of power.” The goal of the game is simple, he said: “To know what you want and to get it.” And then he added: “The moves of the game, by contrast, are infinite and complex, although they usually involve the manipulation of people and situations to your advantage.”

  Never let an opportunity pass

  to say a kind and encouraging word to or about somebody.ANN LANDERS, one of her “Ten Commandments

  of How to Get Along with People”

  Never say you know a man

  until you have divided an inheritance with him.JOHANN KASPAR LAVATER

  Never do a wrong thing to make a friend or to keep one.ROBERT E. LEE

  Lee was superintendent of the West Point Military Academy in 1852 when he wrote this in a letter to his eldest son, George Washington Custis Lee, a West Point cadet at the time. The letter was “filled with aphoristic wisdom,” according to one Lee biographer, and I think you might enjoy a lo
ok at this other advice provided in the letter:Above all, do not appear to others what you are not. If you have any fault to find with any one, tell him, not others, of what you complain; there is no more dangerous experiment than that of undertaking to be one thing before a man’s face and another behind his back.

  In New Orleans, there is a monument to Robert E. Lee in the middle of a large traffic rotary known as “Lee Circle.” Erected in 1884, the statue of Lee faces due north. City tour guides always get a hearty laugh from tourists when they point out that the northward orientation of the statue is not for directional purposes, but because General Lee held a belief common among southerners: “Never turn your back on a Yankee.”

  Never complain about your age to someone older than you.CAROL LEIFER

  In When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win (2009), Leifer also advised: “Never refer to a woman as ‘ma’am,’ even if she’s ninety years old.”

  People, even more than things,

  have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed.

  Never throw out anybody.SAM LEVENSON

  This originally appeared in Levenson’s In One Era and Out the Other (1973). After Audrey Hepburn adopted this and some other Levenson sayings for an article on “Time-Tested Beauty Tips,” the quotation was commonly misattributed to her.