Neverisms Page 13

  Never, never let a person know you’re frightened.

  And a group of them . . . absolutely never.

  Fear brings out the worst in everybody.MAYA ANGELOU, quoting her mother,

  in The Heart of a Woman (1977)

  Never, absolutely never, compromise your principles.MARY KAY ASH in The Mary Kay Way (2008)

  Never, never, never trust your memory with “word of mouth” information.

  Write it down immediately and date it.CHARLES L. BLOCKSON, in his 1977 book Black Genealogy

  Never, ever, say anything “off the record”

  if you don’t want to see it in print.ILONA M. BRAY

  Never, never try to be funny!MEL BROOKS, in a 1966 Playboy interview

  Brooks explained: “The actors must be serious. Only the situation must be absurd. Funny is in the writing, not in the performing.” Earlier in his career, as The 2,000-Year-Old Man, Brooks offered a neveristic secret to longevity: “Never, ever touch fried food.”

  Never be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home,

  and never, ever be both.DAVID BROWN

  This appeared in a 2001 Esquire article titled “What I’ve Learned,” in which Brown, then eighty-four, reflected on the many lessons he had learned in his full life and celebrated career. Brown, the longtime husband of Helen Gurley Brown and producer of such classic Hollywood films as The Sting, Jaws, and Driving Miss Daisy, also offered one additional neverism, undoubtedly stimulated by the classic Nelson Algren admonition featured earlier. Brown said, “Never sleep with anyone who has more trouble or less money than you have.”

  Never, ever forget that people’s selfish interest comes first,

  and that includes you and me.HELEN GURLEY BROWN

  This appeared in a 1994 column in Cosmopolitan magazine. Brown added:Doing what we feel we have to do for ourselves—even if inconvenient to others—is how we stay alive and occasionally get something we want. Underneath—possibly way underneath baffling behavior—is the likelihood the behavior is answering somebody’s (dumb or reasonable) need.

  Never, ever underestimate your readers.

  Everything you do registers.RITA MAE BROWN, in Starting from Scratch (1988)

  Never, never listen to anybody who tries to discourage you.MARIAH CAREY

  Never, ever, threaten unless you’re going to follow through,

  because if you don’t, the next time you won’t be taken seriously.ROY M. COHN

  Never, never get involved with someone who wants to change you.QUENTIN CRISP & DONALD CARROLL

  In their 1981 book Doing It with Style, Crisp and Carroll explained themselves this way: “If you have any style, any change can only be for the worse.”

  Never, Never, Never take No-Doz

  and drink Jolt or Mellow Yellow together.

  The only thing you’ll get is a massive brain cramp.ANTHONY J. D’ANGELO, in The College Blue Book (1995)

  Never, never trust anyone who asks for white wine.

  It means they’re phonies.BETTE DAVIS, in a 1983 Parade magazine interview

  Never, ever take Remembrance of Things Past ,

  War and Peace , or The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

  on a summer vacation.MICHAEL DIRDA, in Book by Book:

  Notes on Reading and Life (2006)

  This was the last and, according to the author, the “most important” of eight tips about summer vacation reading. Dirda, a noted bibliophile and Pulitzer Prize–winning columnist for the Washington Post Book World, added about these literary classics: “Upon these three rocks have foundered some of the best vacation readers of our time.”

  After I won the Olympics, my mom used to tell me,

  “Always believe in yourself—but never, ever believe your own PR.”PEGGY FLEMING

  When you’re talking with your lover on the phone, never, never, never ,

  interrupt your conversation to answer another call via Call Waiting.GREGORY J. P. GODEK

  This comes from Godek’s 1999 bestseller 1001 Ways to Be Romantic. The book also contained a number of other multiple neverisms. Here are a half dozen of my favorites:

  Never, never, never joke about her PMS.

  Never, never, never give her practical gifts.

  Never, never, never embarrass him in public.

  Never, never, never withhold sex to punish him.

  Never, never, never say “Yes, dear” just to appease her.

  Never, never, never refer to your wife as “My Old Lady.”

  Never, never, never go to class unprepared.

  That is like a carpenter showing up for work without his tools.ROBERT A. GRAGER, in “A Principal’s Advice to

  a New Teacher,” quoted by Harvey Mackay

  in his 1990 book Beware the Naked Man

  Who Offers You His Shirt

  Never, never assume you are fortune’s darling.MAX GUNTHER, in The Luck Factor (1977)

  Gunther’s book was subtitled Why Some People Are Luckier Than Others and How You Can Become One of Them. He went on to write: “Just when life is at its best and brightest, just when you seem to be lifted up and nourished and protected by unassailable good luck—that is when you are most vulnerable to bad luck.”

  Never wear a man’s tie. Never, never, never.BETTY LEHAN HARRAGAN

  Harragan offered this in her 1977 book Games Mother Never Taught You. She added: “A man’s tie is a penis symbol. No woman with any self-respect wants to walk around advertising ‘I’m pretending I have a penis.’ ”

  Never, ever wear trendy, complicated shoes.CYNTHIA HEIMEL, in Sex Tips for Girls (1983)

  Heimel added: “Eschew shoes riddled with silver studs, plastic bows, silver ribbons, or anything even remotely adorable.”

  Never, ever make a spectacle of yourself.AUDREY HEPBURN, recalling a

  rule of life from her mother

  Never, ever look at the deductions on your pay stub.

  It will only depress you.BOB HERBERT, in a 1989 article in New York Magazine

  Never, ever, get involved with a straight woman.LINDA HILL, in her 1996 novel Never Say Never

  This admonition, ignored by the novel’s protagonist as the story unfolds, is provocatively previewed in the flap copy of the book: “Computer analyst, Leslie Howard, knows all too well that the fastest way to a broken heart is to ignore Lesbian Dating Rule Number One: ‘Never, ever, get involved with a straight woman.’ ” In Cameron Abbott’s An Inexpressible State of Grace (2004), the rule—expressed in exactly the same way—is called “The Lesbian Prime Directive.”

  Never, ever buy clothes you intend to slim into

  or—oh, the possibility of it—gain weight to fill.KAREN HOMER, in Things a Woman

  Should Know About Style (2003)

  In her book, the British fashion journalist doubled-down on a few other admonitions:

  Never, ever stick tissue paper in your bra.

  Never, ever think you can get away with cheap shoes.

  Grasp sartorial gems when you see them, and never, ever wait for the sale.

  Never, never rest contented with any circle of ideas,

  but always be certain that a wider one is still possible.RICHARD JEFFERIES, in The Story of My Heart (1883)

  Jefferies was a popular nature writer with a strong mystical streak. The Story of My Heart was an autobiographical account of his spiritual awakening and of how he learned to live in the present moment, which he called “The eternal Now.” A number of quotation anthologies and websites mistakenly attribute this quote to the African-American entertainer Pearl Bailey.

  Take this for a golden rule through life—

  Never, never have a friend that’s poorer than yourself.DOUGLAS JERROLD

  Never ever let your children see you as a

  broken down victim of their manipulation and disobedience.MATTHEW A. JOHNSON

  In his Positive Parenting with a Plan (2002), Dr. Johnson added, “Rather, muster up enough strength, courage, and wisdom to save your tears for a private mome
nt or leave your home and visit with a friend, counselor, or clergy.”

  Make sure you never, never argue at night.

  You just lose a good night’s sleep,

  and you can’t settle anything until morning anyway.ROSE FITZGERALD KENNEDY

  In a 1983 issue of Parade magazine, Mrs. Kennedy said she gave this advice to the first of her granddaughters to marry. Her observation is related to a popular American saying of undetermined origin: “Never let the sun go down on an argument.”

  Never ever ever go to see the boss about a problem

  without bringing along a proposed solution.WALTER KIECHEL III, in a 1984 BusinessWeek article

  in which he added, “Better yet, three solutions.”

  Never, never be afraid to do what’s right,

  especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake.MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

  This is one of Dr. King’s most frequently quoted thoughts, but I have been unable to find an original source. He added: “Society’s punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.”

  Never—ever—leave home without your pad and pen.TIM LEMIRE, in his 2006 career guide

  I’m an English Major—Now What?

  Never, never, never be a cynic, even a gentle one.

  Never help out a sneer, even at the devil.VACHEL LINDSAY

  Never, never pass up an opportunity to meet new people.

  Your antennae should be up your whole life.HARVEY B. MACKAY, in Dig Your Well Before You’re Thirsty: The Only Networking Book You’ll Ever Need (1997)

  Never, EVER use logic on a pregnant woman.

  I’m telling you right now: Just shut up and take it.CHRIS MANCINI, in Pacify Me: A Handbook

  for the Freaked-Out New Dad (2009)

  Never, ever overprogram or overschedule

  your child’s time with too many activities.PHIL MCGRAW, in Family First: Your Step-by-Step

  Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family (2004)

  Later in the book, McGraw offered the following advice about how to handle a family crisis: “Never, ever, turn on one another, put family relationships on the line, or cave into pressure. Instead, close ranks and support one another.”

  Never, ever let an attractive woman

  hold a power position in your home.JULIANNE MOORE, in the 1992 film

  The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

  Moore, as Marlene Craven, offered this warning to Claire Bartel (Annabella Sciorra) about hiring the sexy Peyton Flanders (Rebecca De Mornay) as a nanny. She was right.

  Never, Ever Step on a Spider NANCY NICHOLSON, title of her 2003 book

  You shouldn’t point a loaded gun at anyone.

  (This is not an absolutely rigid rule. An absolutely rigid rule is:

  Never, ever, point an unloaded gun at anyone).P. J. O’ROURKE, from Modern Manners:

  An Etiquette Book for Rude People (1983)

  It is absolutely vital never, never, never

  to panic when facing an upsetting situation.NORMAN VINCENT PEALE, from

  The Positive Principle Today (2003)

  Peale was fond of neverisms, and occasionally dabbled in multiple ones. In his 1997 book You Can If You Think You Can (1997), he offered this Churchillian thought: “Never—never—settle for defeat.”

  Never, EVER, Serve Sugary Snacks on Rainy Days SHIRLEY RAINES, title of 1995 book,

  subtitled The Official Little Instruction

  Book for Teachers of Young Children

  Never give back the ring. Never. Swallow it first.JOAN RIVERS, on broken engagements

  If you want your relationship to last,

  never, never, never, ever threaten the relationship itself.ANTHONY ROBBINS,

  in Awaken the Giant Within (1991)

  Never, never, you must never either of you

  remind a man at work on a political job that he may be President.THEODORE ROOSEVELT

  According to Lincoln Steffens, this was Roosevelt’s angry reply in 1895 when Steffens and fellow journalist Jacob Riis asked the popular New York City police commissioner if he had presidential aspirations. Roosevelt, who became incensed at the suggestion that he might be a political opportunist, went on to explain: “It almost always kills him politically. He loses his nerve; he can’t do his work; he gives up the very traits that are making him a possibility.” Then, after pausing for a moment and thinking about what he was saying, he frankly admitted:I must be wanting to be President. Every young man does. But I won’t let myself think of it; I must not, because if I do, I will begin to work for it; I’ll be careful, calculating, cautious in word and act, and so—I’ll beat myself.

  Never, ever disrespect your opponent or your teammates

  or your organization or your manager,

  and never, ever your uniform.RYNE SANDBERG, Chicago Cubs infielder

  and 2005 Hall of Fame inductee

  Never, never, never give up!

  Patience and perseverance are the crowning qualities

  of self-confident champions.ROBERT H. SCHULLER, channeling Winston Churchill,

  in Hours of Power (2004)

  You’re bigger than you think. So fit your thinking to your true size.

  Think as big as you really are! Never, never, never sell yourself short.DAVID J. SCHWARTZ,

  in The Magic of Thinking Big (1987)

  Never lie. Ever.NORMAN SCHWARZKOPF, a “rule for leaders,”

  offered in a January 1992 issue of Inc. magazine.

  Never, never waste a minute on regret.

  It’s a waste of time.HARRY S TRUMAN

  When you use a prepared text,

  never, never, never speak those words without first making

  them your friends through constant and persistent attention.JACK VALENTI, in his 1982 book Speak Up with Confidence:

  How to Prepare, Learn, and Deliver Effective Speeches

  Never compete. Never.DIANA VREELAND

  The legendary fashion adviser finished off her advice by adding, “Watching the other guy is what kills all forms of energy.” Vreeland was the Harper’s Bazaar fashion editor in 1960 when she began to help future first lady Jacqueline Kennedy create the famous “Jackie Look” (a few years later, Mrs. Kennedy wrote in a letter to Vreeland: “You are and always will be my fashion mentor”). Her involvement with the fashionable first lady, along with her later role as editor-in-chief at Vogue magazine, helped make her one of the most influential voices in the history of style and fashion.

  Never underestimate, never, ever, ever, underestimate what you

  might be able to share in two minutes that can change lives forever.ROBIN WEBBER, in a 2003 sermon that used

  Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address as an example

  Never, oh never, indulge in telling wife jokes.

  It is in exceptionally poor taste.ZIG ZIGLAR, in See You at the Top

  (twenty-fifth anniversary edition, 2000)

  Ziglar introduced the thought by writing: “Remember: Your wife wants a man she can look up to—but not one who looks down on her.”

  eight

  Never Persist in Trying to Set People Right

  Human Relationships

  On November 1, 1955, Dale Carnegie died at age sixty-six in Forest Hills, New York. At his death, he was regarded as one of history’s most successful authors and a pioneering figure in what is now called the “self-help” movement. Born as Dale Carnagey in 1888 on a family farm in Missouri, he was raised in humble circumstances, but began to entertain lofty dreams for himself after reading the Horatio Alger and other rags-to-riches stories that were popular at the time.

  After high school, Dale attended a small state teachers’ college in Warrensburg, Missouri. When he failed to land a spot on any of the school’s athletic teams, he gave up dreams of becoming a professional athlete. And even though he was painfully shy, he began to think about a career in acting or public speaking.

  He worked in several sales jobs after graduating from college in 1908,
but felt unfulfilled. By 1911, he was off to New York to pursue his dreams. A brief time at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts got him a role with a touring theater group, but he quickly decided the actor’s life was not for him. Almost out of money, he headed back to Manhattan and got a room at the 125th Street YMCA.

  In 1912, with no job prospects on the horizon, he convinced the YMCA manager to let him teach a class on public speaking. He had no experience, but what he lacked in knowledge, he made up for in enthusiasm. After a few false starts, his classes became extremely popular. Students signed up for the course expecting to learn public speaking skills, but they soon discovered the class was more about facing fears, taking risks, and overcoming obstacles (most of them self-imposed). Within a year, the new teacher felt confident enough to self-publish a book on public speaking. By 1916, he was so popular in his adopted city that he delivered a lecture to a packed house at Carnegie Hall, built in 1891 and named for the industrialist-turned-philanthropist Andrew Carnegie. More than one person noted the coincidence of a man named Carnagey lecturing at a hall named Carnegie. A few years later, after Dale formally changed the spelling of his name to Carnegie, many described it as one of his shrewdest marketing moves.